One Million Points
by ProbableImpossibilities
Summary: "I knew, from the instant I laid eyes on him, that I hated Nasch. I just had to kill him. But that wouldn't be much fun, amirite? So I decided on a point system…" - - Snippets of daily life on Barian World in a detailed list of everything Nasch has done since circa 550 B.C.
1. Points 1-5

**Warning: This fan-fiction contains copious amounts of Vector, venting, Barians, and OOC. Please consult your physician before reading if you consider yourself to be sane, as sane people may be at greater risk of side effects.**

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><p><em>Heeyyy, Vector here! This dashingly handsome Barian is reporting to you live from deep undercover, among a group of people that could barely be described as sentient, floating around on the farthest fringes of civilization! I call this herd of pin-headed, gullible primates "Yuma and his friends." Let me tell you, pretending to be just as stupid as they are is really hard work… but that's another story for another time, I guess.<em>

_I've had a lot of time on my hands recently, so I've been going through all my old Records of Villainy, and whaddaya know, I found this list! Oh man, this is so nostalgic; I feel like it's been forever since I finished this thing._

_Oh? Did you say something?_

_..."What list?!" Are you kidding? Whaddaya mean, "what list?!" It's my Million Points list! TA-DAA!_

_..._

_...okay, I'll explain. Y'see, I knew, from the instant I laid eyes on him, that I hated Nasch. You know, Mr. Purple Tentacle-Head. Everything about him screamed "enormous pain in the buttocks," so I just had to kill him. But that on its own wouldn't be much fun, amirite? So I decided on a point system, a little game, if you will._

_The Million Point System worked thusly: anything Nasch did that annoyed me earned him a point. And when my count finally reached a million... well, you can guess what happened then ~ ._

_Since you seem so interested, I suppose I'll let you read my list. It's actually quite amusing looking back, but there were some times when I got SOOO frustrated! Oh, and there were a lot of really hilarious moments, and some embarrassing incidents... and of course, what would Barian World be without a little drama? Maybe even a budding romance? The gang's all here: Durbe, Misael, Alito, Gilag, Merag, and, of course, Nasch. Kya ha ha, I should use this as blackmail sometime!_

_Anyhoo, here it is, Vector's Million Point List! It all started on Day One, circa 550 BC..._

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><p><strong>The Million Point List<strong>

_- - Being a Detailed Record of Wrongs to Which Nasch Will One Day be Held Accountable - -_

**1. Nasch**

I think it's only fair that we make the first point Nasch's very existence. Granted, I've only just met him, but the fact that a purple tentacle-headed man was even born into this world has to be some sort of travesty. I can take the big green one's mohawk. I can even tolerate the one with the neon-red bush. But Nasch's hair is essentially an octopus that was stuffed into a waffle iron and then glued to his purple head. He also has a cape that is apparently connected to his body somehow. I mean, seriously. What kind of weird mutated thing has a red cape growing out of its shoulders? His existence is practically a crime.

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><p><strong>2. Nasch's Ego<strong>

Okay, so I was just born into Barian World today; apparently, I'm the last of the Emperors to get here. Nothing wrong with that, though. I'm just fashionably late. What I _do _have a problem with is the fact that these jerk-wads went ahead and made this Nasch guy their leader before I even got here. And you know what, I would have been okay with that. Really. But as soon as I arrived, instead of some heartwarming welcome, I get him. Standing at the top of a really tall staircase, yelling at me about his superiority.

"I am the leader of the Barian Emperors! Follow my arbitrary rules! And stay the h*** away from my sister or I'll throat-punch you!"

Can you believe this guy?! If I didn't like being an evil Emperor so much, I think I'd straight-up quit. Hop on over to that Astral World place or whatever the heck it's called.

And that's not even the worst of it. When I entered the throne room for the first time, Nasch tried to make me BOW to him! Just who does that guy think he is?! We're all kings here! Just because he's the so-called "leader" does NOT make me some sort of peasant!

Well, of course I didn't bow. Nasch got pretty steamed, but ultimately did nothing about it, so maybe the bowing thing really wasn't as important to him as he made it sound. The other Emperors kept shooting me nasty looks, like "oh my goodness I cannot believe you just did that." The yellow dragon guy actually looked scandalized, which was amusing.

Still, I have a pretty formidable ego myself, so this incident was particularly infuriating. I can't believe I'm supposed to play second-fiddle to this tentacle-head... of course, I have no intention of doing what I'm supposed to ~ .

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><p><strong>3. Favoritism<strong>

So far, I've only been here for one day, but I've already noticed something: the leadership around here is corrupt. Nash is obviously playing favorites. You know how I know? I witnessed it firsthand, and I gotta tell you, it makes me sick.

Today, all the Barian Emperors were finally brought together for the first time, so the girl decided to throw some sort of fancy soirée in honor of the occasion. There was a red crystal sculpture garden, a red crystal ballroom, and a buffet of tiny gourmet energy-sandwiches. The whole thing struck me as kinda ridiculous, but I played along; honestly, I was tired, since it was my first day on the planet and all, so I just didn't feel up to making people hate me. I half-heartedly complimented the girl's dress, pretended to listen to the dragon guy brag about his dragons, and even helped the red one fish the green one out of the energy-punch bowl.

As I was walking around, I spotted Nasch and the grey one that looks like a cat hanging out by the buffet. Now, I kinda wanted a sandwich, 'cause those things were freakin' small and I'd only had five. But when I approached the table, I noticed that there was only one left. Suddenly gripped by a strange desperation and a growling in my stomach, I lunged forward and stretched out my arm, sinking my claws into the crackling triangle of plasma. However, I felt another pair of fingers jam into mine and looked up in surprise; the grey one had grabbed the sandwich at the exact same time that I did.

He seems like a pretty polite guy, so he apologized instantly... however, he must've been just as hungry as I was, because he didn't let go of the sandwich. Obviously, he thought he had some kind of prior claim, but I got to that sandwich first. It should have been mine!

But do you know what happened next? Nasch butted in and told me to give the sandwich to the one that looks like a cat! There was no legitimate reason for him to choose the cat over me; I was there first! And I haven't even voiced my hatred for him yet. Obviously, Nasch has no qualms about unfairly resolving conflicts in favor of his friends. And everyone seems to think he's some kind of saint...

Oh, and apparently the grey cat one's name is Durbe. I haven't been keeping much track of names, but I feel weird calling him "the grey one" since I am also grey… meh. I guess I'll have to learn all their names eventually.

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><p><strong>4. Chair Privileges<strong>

One of the strange things about Barian World is that there apparently is no furniture. None whatsoever. I was talking to the red one - wait, no, his name is Alito. Anyway, Alito told me at the party that he's been experimenting with using the dark red crystals to chisel the light red crystals into chair-like shapes, but his prototypes… well, let's just say if I actually sat down on one, my butt would be so full of puncture wounds it'd look like moldy swiss cheese. And that has never been attractive by anyone's standards ever.

So obviously, this is a problem. There's literally nowhere to sit down, since the ground outside the throne room is covered in giant spikes. Oh, but wait… there is ONE piece of furniture! Yes, there is a chair! And it is darn comfortable, too. I discovered it while strolling absentmindedly through the throne room, and of course as soon as I saw it, I was all over it. I lounged around in that chair like nobody's business.

Until, that is, I heard this raspy yelling from behind me. I turned around, and lo and behold, there stood Nasch. He had his hands on his hips and was yelling at me like I killed his firstborn or something. "Hey! What do you think you're doing?! Get off of my throne!"

And that's when the agonizing unfairness of it all crashed over me like a wave of cement. The ONE CHAIR in the ENTIRE WORLD just so happens to be Nasch's freaking THRONE. I felt like a man who'd been wandering through the desert, dying of thirst, and then suddenly happened upon a beautiful oasis, only to discover that it belonged to the son of his evil mother-in-law and was being used as a swimming pool. So I thought, f*** all 'a dat, I'm breaking out my bendy-straw and gorging myself on this sweet, sweet metaphorical water no matter what you say. My bum stayed right where it was.

Nasch yelled at me again, repeating that I was sitting in his throne, so I asked him if it had his name on it (it didn't). Naturally, he didn't like that, and I was forcibly booted off the chair.

And as if that weren't enough, I came into the throne room the next day and discovered that...

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><p><strong>5. Nasch Carved His Name Onto the Back of the Throne<strong>

That hasn't prevented me from sitting in it, though ~ .

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><p><strong>Author's Note: You may be asking yourself, "what is this?" "What the heck did I just read?" Well, I'm not exactly sure, either, so don't feel bad.<strong>

**I'm pretty much just writing this because I need a happiness/humor break from writing The Mad Prince. It's gonna be really short and really random, so don't say I didn't warn you.**

**However, I am not that creative, so PLEASE GIVE ME "POINTS" SUGGESTIONS. PLEASE. I am begging you. Vector can only take so much stupid from me.**


	2. Points 6-10

**6. Manners**

Alright, so today, Alito finally managed to make some recognizable furniture. I have to applaud his dedication, but honestly, I don't think he's really the best guy to be doing this. That is because, first of all, who makes a table and then forgets to make chairs?! I believe I've already mentioned that I really freakin' want a chair, but even without my mild obsession this is ridiculous. No one just stands at a table and eats. But that is apparently what we Barian Emperors are going to have to do for the foreseeable future. And second of all, Alito is still not that great at making smooth surfaces, so the table is covered in spikes... maybe I wouldn't want him to make a chair at this point, anyway.

The point of all this, though, is that we have a table. The girl - Merag, said Alito's Table of Spiky Death was "wonderful," so she whipped up some energy-meatloaf and pretty much ordered us all to gather 'round and have dinner together. I've noticed that whenever Merag is involved, we all dare not refuse her or Nasch will give us the Glare (which I suppose should count for a point - I'll have to remember that for the next time I get it).

Anyhoo, Merag cooked this energy-meatloaf, and it turned out to be revolting. What's the point of having just one girl if she can't cook for s***? Girls are supposed to be good at that stuff, right?

Well, it was gross, but everybody else at least tried to eat it to avoid hurting Merag's feelings. Me, I have no such scruples. And my stomach has thanked me for it, trust me. Mizael the dragon guy was only able to stomach one little tiny piece of it, but he has a frail constitution, I think. Alito and Girag got about halfway through before they had to stop, and Nasch ate two-thirds of it, but that Durbe guy was definitely the winner. He fought through the gag reflex and shoved down the whole thing. He must really like Merag.

Anyway, while we were eating, Nasch and Durbe managed to secure a place at the table where they could plop down their rears on a small crystal outcropping, so they didn't have to stand up. Not gonna lie, I was a little mad about that. But I was waiting for one of them to "move their meat" and "lose their seat," so I didn't really think about counting that for a point.

Anyhoo, I tell you all of that to get to this. While we were "eating," Nasch started doing something that really pissed me off. I don't think he even knew he was doing it, and that's the worst part.

He had his elbows on the table. The whole freaking time.

Now, I don't know why that annoys me, and I don't know if it annoys other people, either. But I just get this FEELING that elbows on the table are frickin' annoying. None of us remember anything before we became Emperors, so maybe it was bad manners wherever the h*** I came from, but honestly, I don't really care. If I see one more purple elbow rub its nobby purple skin against that table I will flip it. Seriously.

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><p><strong>7. Numbers<strong>

Alright, now this one really ticks me off. It kind of goes along with the point I already made about Nasch's ego, but this one takes it to a whole new level.

Today, I was given a Numbers card. Apparently they're special. Woo hoo. Oh, but it's not just any Numbers card: it's an OVER NINE THOUSAND NUMBERS CARD!

...no, wait, it's just over one hundred. But hot dang, nine thousand would be awesome.

Anyway, the Number that I got was No. 104: Masquerade, which is basically just an over-glorified version of The Tricky with some hoops. Really, it is. It's kinda disappointing, actually.

But the worst part, of course, is Nasch's Number. His is 101, and he freaking knows it. Heck, the guy won't shut up about it. You know what he told me?

"Hey Vector, the closer your Number is to one hundred, the more powerful you are. That's totally why I'm Number One! And you're Number Four."

What?! No. F*** you, man. That is NOT how this works.

Oh, and you wanna know what's even worse? According to Nasch Logic (aka Nonsensical Ramblings), Durbe and Merag are BOTH more powerful than me. Now, unless we're talking powerfully lame or powerfully girly, there is no way that either of those two would ever be better than me in any respect. Ever. Never. No. God, I still can't believe he said that! Who does the pompous prig think he is, Don freaking Thousand?!

You know what, if I ever end up betraying these guys, the first ones I'm gonna take out will be Durbe and Merag. That'll show him.

Surprisingly, though, I'm actually not the only one who's mad at Nasch for this one. Alito and Girag are kinda used to being the bottom of the barrel, so they weren't too upset. But Mizael, man, I thought he was gonna KILL Nasch right then and there. That's because his Number is 107. And let me tell you, if there's anyone here who has an ego bigger than Nasch (or me), it's Mizael. I could've sworn he was going to summon his stupid dragon and go rampaging through the throne room like some insane Trogdor-loving maniac, you know, burninating the countryside, peasants, and thatch-roofed cottages.

Y'know, it's weird actually having somebody on my side, now that I think about it. I don't think I like it.

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><p><strong>8. Merag<strong>

Okay, so I've already said quite a bit about Nasch's sister, but I need to say this now. She's like some sort of land mine, except the part that actually explodes when you touch her is wired up to Nasch. And he's hyper-sensitive about it, too. _Breathe_ too hard on Merag, and he will find you and forcibly shove your head up your own anus.

Now, those two somehow know they are related, even though we've all lost our memories. No one knows how this is possible. If I had to guess, I'd say plot convenience, but Durbe seems to think it's because of the strong sibling bonds between them and no one has the heart to tell him he's a freaking idiot. So everybody just kind of pretends that makes total sense and leaves it at that. Well, I could go on but I think I'm digressing, so I'll just leave it at that, too.

Anyhoo, today, I suddenly became extremely hungry about an hour before lunchtime. I don't like to eat meals with the other Emperors, so I just kind of skip them. And then I get these bouts of excruciating stomach pain about once a day that warn me when I need food to avoid collapsing embarrassingly. So I snuck into the royal pantry like a ninja and started looking around for something to munch on.

I bet you can already see where this is going.

For some reason, I couldn't find anything that wasn't labeled "Energy Spam-in-a-Can," so I was starting to get desperate. Then, lo and behold, my eyes came to rest on a delicious-looking energy-BLT, sitting quietly by itself in a corner of the pantry. Thinking that I was saved, I started to scarf it down when I realized something: it tasted like wool and was burning my insides.

Luckily, I managed to cough up most of what I'd swallowed before it caused any internal hemorrhaging, but honestly, I thought I was going to die. I'm not joking. My three days of life as a Barian flashed before my eyes.

Furious, I stormed out of there and went to confront the creator of that monstrosity, who was, as you all know by now, Merag. There's only one woman in the whole of the known universe who can cook that badly. She acted all innocent and told me that she hoped I liked her BLT, because she knew I raided the pantry and wanted to make sure I wasn't forced to eat Spam-in-a-Can. I asked her, very politely, if she was trying to freaking poison me and told her, also very politely, that I didn't know what was in that sandwich but it certainly wasn't B, L, or T, and that I would gladly eat all of the Spam in that godforsaken room before I so much as looked at something she cooked.

And whaddaya know, before I even finished my sentence, I saw a flash of blue lightning and then received an electric shock so jarring I felt like my face was melting off.

The good news is that my head hasn't been shoved up my anus yet. The bad news is that I'll smell like burnt barbecue for at least a week.

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><p><strong>9. Bathrooms<strong>

Apparently, we Emperors are all really new to Barian World; it has its own customs and language and all that crap and for some reason we were born here knowing none of it. The others have had time to wrap their heads around the weird glyphs that everybody uses, but I got here last, so I'm really behind. Turns out, there's actually two forms of written language; informal phonetic characters (which are what I've been writing this list in) and formal glyphs. The only words I really know how to spell in formal Barian-ese are "Vector," "hates," and "Nasch," along with some various and sundry cuss words, but that vocabulary range kind of defeats the purpose of using the formal text anyway. Now that you know that, here's where the story starts.

Because I don't eat very often, I don't need to use the restroom very often, either. So it wasn't until about halfway through yesterday that I realized I didn't really know where it was. Sure, I've used it a couple of times already, but this place is surprisingly labyrinthine, and it's not like I could leave a little trail of energy-breadcrumbs or something. Sometimes I swear there's a Minotaur who lives here, somewhere, but we've just never run into him.

Anyway, eating that "sandwich" yesterday made me feel… not so good in my bowels. I don't know why I'm even writing this down, because if somebody read it I would probably have to kill them, but I really had to go. So I ran through the palace, trying to remember where the bathrooms were.

Finally, I found them. But guess what? I couldn't read the signs. I had no idea if the one on the left said "Men," "Women," or "Wombats," but frankly, I was too desperate to care. Besides, I reasoned to myself, there's only one girl and odds are, she won't be in the bathroom at exactly the time I need to use it.

Guess what happened. Go on, guess. I dare you.

I opened the door on the left, and found myself face-to-featureless-face with Merag. Who promptly screamed and slammed the door on my fingers.

It's not like I'm embarrassed about accidentally going into the girl's bathroom. But someone, who shall remain nameless for his own protection but whose name starts with an "A" and ends with an "O," happened to be washing his hands next door and heard the whole thing. This person also has a potty-mouth because he is mentally a small child, and he just HAD to tell the story, with some untrue embellishments, at dinner that evening, when I was not present to defend myself.

I was told later that Nasch spent the rest of the dinner cracking jokes about my mix-up and saying other generally inconsiderate things. So that's this point. And the next one, which happened after dinner when I was hanging out in the throne room, is…

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><p><strong>10. Nasch Gave Me "The Glare" for an Hour Straight<strong>

I do have to hand it to him, though; I didn't know anybody could stare for that long.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: Special thanks go to Girl with the Fireheart for No. 6 and 8, and to Durbe the Barian for No. 7. If anybody else has suggestions (or you guys have more), GIVE THEM TO ME! *strokes Suggestions creepily* My precious... *runs off cackling into the night*<strong>

**Ahem. This kind of turned out to be the "Merag" chapter, didn't it? Ah, well.**

**I keep telling myself that I'm going to try to make this Barian-World-culture stuff at least semi-consistent, and then I don't. I think there's a bit of Vector that's implanted itself in the part of my brain that writes this and is flagrantly ignoring everything I tell it to do.**

**Also, dumb Trogdor reference is dumb.**


	3. Points 111-115

**111. The Beach**

The story behind this one is kind of long, so sit back and grab a bag of popcorn or something.

It all started with Alito.

...That alone should make you worry.

Anyway, I've stated earlier that Alito has the mind of a small child. He constantly needs entertainment, which is apparently why he started trying to carve furniture in the first place. However, that must have been starting to get old, because he spent most of yesterday complaining that we never do anything. And while it's sort of true, Nasch, Mizael and Durbe don't like being distracted from the very serious nothing that they are doing. Eventually, Nasch caved in and told Durbe to find something for the red menace to do, but his efforts mostly consisted of games of Barian Jenga and Tiddlywinks and so were ultimately fruitless.

By dinnertime, even Girag was tired of sparring nonstop with Alito, so obviously something had to be done. I suggested drowning him, and Mizael suggested actually doing something, so Nasch settled on a compromise and decided to organize a trip to the beach. I didn't even know Barian World had beaches, but apparently there is one ocean called the Sea of Ill Intent. I'm told that there are legends that Don Thousand, the Barian god, is sealed away somewhere down there, and that his presence does all kinds of weird s*** to the fish and stuff.

Tempted with the possibility of seeing a freakily-mutated angler-fish-dragon-electric-sea-cow, I was actually slightly excited for this beach trip. So I packed up with the rest of them and flew on over to the other side of the world for what I thought would be some moderately enjoyable R&R.

When we actually got to the beach, Mizael and Merag rolled out towels and started tanning, or whatever it is that girls and pretty people do at the beach. Durbe brought along a crystal beach chair (Alito had actually gotten pretty expert at his furniture biz before he gave it up) and a book, so he sat down and stuck his nose in it as soon as we arrived. Alito and Girag challenged Nasch to a game of Barian beach volleyball, and were trying to get me to join Nasch's team to even things out. He and I both said no. I think he ended up clobbering the two of them anyway, though.

My sole purpose in coming on this trip was to catch me some horrifying marine life, so I immediately headed for the ocean. As I ran down the beach, Durbe started yelling after me, telling me not to go in there. Now, I wasn't really sure why he would be saying that, but I figured it was because he's a stuffy guy and didn't want me to come back and get him wet or something, so I kept going. Durbe started to yell at me again, but Nasch actually paused his volleyball game to hush him, saying, and I quote, "just let the crazy jerk go."

By this point, I was beginning to suspect that there was something not quite right about all of this, but my most debilitating flaw tends to be that I believe myself to be invincible. I figured if Nasch knew there was some kind of freaky sea monster in there or something, I'd just fry it and have it for dinner, and then he'd know not to mess with me.

Well, it turns out that there was not anything dangerous in the ocean. I found out when I dove in head-first that the Sea of Ill Intent is actually composed entirely of acid.

I spent the rest of the day writhing in pain on Merag's towel, waiting for the cracks and missing chunks of me to heal, but mostly just getting sand in them. That was the single most painful thing that has ever happened to me… and I didn't get to see any angler-fish-dragon-electric-sea-cows. And it was pretty much all Nasch's fault.

I am never coming back to the beach again.

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><p><strong>112. Rooming<strong>

Even though I wound up getting severely injured ten minutes into it, the beach trip was actually planned to be a multi-day affair, and Nasch refused to change his plans. So, when the suns went down that day, we all made our way over to a little vacation-shack-type-thing to stay the night. I really, REALLY wanted to leave, but a particularly nasty acid-burn on my wing was preventing me from flying away, so I had to stay put.

Well, it turns out that this shack-type-thing only had four rooms, so most of us would have to share. I was kinda really hoping that somebody would be nice and give the guy in terrible pain his own room, but I also kinda knew in the back of my head that I'd already offended anybody who was nice enough to do that.

Because the dictatorship around here is so all-important that it extends to even really trivial decisions, Nasch ended up being the one to decide who would room with who. And trust me, his choices were totally arbitrary and completely unfair. ...Alright, most of them kinda made sense, but I'm still really upset.

Nasch's first rooming assignment was for him to share a room with Merag. Because Merag is a girl and the rest of us are dudes, Nasch apparently assumes that if she were to room with any of us there would be shenanigans during the night. I think Durbe is the only one he really needs to worry about, but the Overprotective Brother is a strange breed that will not listen to reason. I tried to tell him that none of us would want to mate with her anyway, but all I got in return was The Glare and a slap across the face from Merag.

The second room assignment Nasch made was to put Alito and Girag together. This one was kind of obvious; the only people who can stand those two are they themselves. I personally think that the fact that they're both losers makes them naturally stick together. That, and they both enjoy whining, although I've noticed that Girag only complains in front of Alito.

It was at this point that Mizael butted in, fussing about needing a room to himself. I swear, the guy is such high-maintenance. He had absolutely no reason to need his own room except that he didn't want a roommate, probably because no one else would understand his need to be up at three in the morning to start doing his hair. Naturally, I told Nasch that I should get the single room for the reasons I've already specified, but Mizael countered by accusing me of being whiny and calling my manliness into question. I very politely told him to do something inappropriate to himself, and I also made sure that he knew I wouldn't be taking any bulls*** from a prissy yellow man in a skirt.

At that point, Nasch had to intervene because Mizael attempted to slash my throat with his fingernails. In order to appease the furious dragon guy, Nasch let him have the single room, and Mizael sulked off. I like to think he spent the rest of the night crying in a corner.

Well, that left the final room to me and Durbe. And I'll tell you what, that man is a WAY more annoying roommate than you would think. He's a smart cookie, I'll give him that, but having to stay awake ALL NIGHT LONG while he reads _Barian Philosophers Monthly_ and _The Encyclopedia Barianicca_ OUT LOUD to himself is one of the more painful things I've ever had to suffer through after the acid-burns. Every time I'd start to fall asleep, he'd gasp or make some other noise because whatever he was reading was either really good or really controversial. And then when I'd wake up and glare at him, he'd ask me what I thought about the issue. Man, I do not give a rat's a** about whether Xenon has fifty-four protons or fifty-five! And I don't want him to explain it to me, either. He seemed to think that I didn't understand the ghost in the machine concept, aka mind-body dualism, just because I was trying to get him to stop talking.

So yeah, my night was awful. I think when the time finally comes to kill Nasch, I'll have Durbe talk his ears off first.

...if he even has ears. I don't really know. He could be hiding anything under that tentacle hair.

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><p><strong>113. Things I Did Not Want to See<strong>

Now, as a race, Barians tend to wear very little clothing, but it's even worse among the Emperors. Compared to the others, Mizael and I are actually dressed pretty modestly. However, despite the lax standards, there is one article of clothing that is absolutely necessary for us menfolk, and without which a Barian male could be said to be embarrassingly naked: the belt. There are actually laws against going out into public without wearing a belt, and the penalty can be pretty severe. It's not like they cover anything private; it's just some kind of social thing, I guess. Still, it's pretty disgusting to see a guy without his belt.

Which is why, when I woke up this morning after an hour of fitful sleep and saw Durbe's belt flung over the back of a chair, I reflexively closed my eyes and felt my way along the wall to the door. I had no idea what Durbe was doing or where he was, but I really did not want to see him _au naturale_; in fact, the mental image I was getting was so disgusting that I felt like I was going to be sick… also, the fact that my burns were bothering me probably did not help matters.

Once safely in the hallway, I ran to the bathroom, opened the door, and darted inside. Wryly half-expecting to see Merag in there, I was somehow not surprised when, curse my luck, I bumped into someone.

The first thing I noticed was that whoever it was was very wet; the next thing I noticed was that he was also very purple.

That's right; it was Nasch. Apparently, he'd just taken a shower, so... he was completely belt-less.

We both backed up as far away from each other as we possibly could, him swearing loudly and me making various horrified noises. Somehow the door had closed on its own since I entered the bathroom, and my back slammed against it, causing me searing pain from the burns. I shut my eyes tight and fumbled for the doorknob, but even with my eyes closed I was unable to unsee what I'd just unwittingly stumbled upon. That image will be forever burned into my retinas.

Later, at breakfast, Merag noticed that Nasch and I were avoiding eye-contact more than usual, so of course she had to ask about it. Nasch idiotically tried to deny that anything was different from normal, which, of course, only made things worse. I ultimately ended up telling her that I just couldn't stand looking at Nasch's ugly face anymore, because those weird tear-shaped light blue marks under his eyes were unnecessary and offensive to my eyes. I then left the room and went back into the bathroom, which was unoccupied this time, to throw up.

So, if this point system ever becomes public record, that is the excuse I will be using for this particular point. Nasch's blue face-markings are dumb. End of story.

* * *

><p><strong>114. Shopping<strong>

I'm not sure if this was Merag's idea or Mizael's, but one of them suggested that we spend today shopping. It was probably Mizael. Alito commented that it would be cool if we could all get the same type of thing so we'd look more like a team, which is really stupid, but Nasch and I both felt slightly violated after the… urm, incident, so no one had any serious objections to more clothing.

We ended up going to this place near the beach that sold mostly cloaks and whatnot. Turns out, they conveniently had seven different colors of this certain brand of cowl, so Alito said we should make that our team uniform. For some reason that only Don Thousand knows, the others seemed to agree with him. Well, somebody had to be in their right mind, so I told him that his idea was stupid and refused to have any part in it. Merag had the nerve to try and cajole me into getting one, saying that I was ruining the team spirit and that I wouldn't have to wear it often if I didn't want to. Durbe tried explaining the cowl's practicality, and Mizael said it would be a huge benefit to the world since it hid my face, but what ultimately changed my mind was Nasch's Glare. Ordinarily I wouldn't have given up so easily, but I could tell that if I ignored it this time, it'd come to fists and I really wasn't feeling up to that.

As soon as I grudgingly agreed to get a cowl, Alito made a mad dash for the red one, and suddenly it was like Barian Black Friday up in there. Everyone wanted their favorite color, and they would do anything to get it. I even saw Durbe and Merag trying to wrest the white one out of each other's hands; Durbe ultimately ended up with the grey one, so you can guess who won that fight.

Being reluctant to get a cowl in the first place, I was slightly behind the others and so did not even know what colors there were to choose from until everyone else had swarmed the rack. Looking around, I spotted a nice-looking dark blue one and, thinking that it would match my hair and skin tone, reached out to grab it.

The instant my fingers brushed the cloth, I was literally tackled to the ground. I scrambled to my feet just in time to see Nasch snatch the dark blue cowl from the rack and hug it to his chest before retreating from the fray. So upset was I that I just kind of stood there, eye twitching, until there was only one color left. And guess which color it was.

Purple. I absolutely LOATHE purple. I know that my eyes are purple, but that doesn't stop me from hating the color. I even asked Girag to trade his gross brownish one for mine, but the purple didn't come in his size.

You know what, f*** this beach trip. I'd rather have my life ruined at home, thank you. I'm leaving right now, gimpy wing or not.

* * *

><p><strong>115. I Fell Out of the Sky Halfway Back and Dislocated My Shoulder<strong>

Technically, this one could be blamed on me and my own stubborn stupidity. But I choose to blame it on Nasch. Because, after all, everything bad that has ever happened to me seems to be somehow his fault.

Plus, I'm definitely not that stupid. Nasch made me do it. I swear.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: <strong>

**Me: This chapter is rated "N" for NEKKID! Or "BB," for Beltless Barians.**

**Vector: Oh, sure, thanks for putting the warning at the freaking BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.**

**Me: You're welcome! I wanted to catch you by surprise.**

**Vector: *glares wickedly* ...point number one…**

**Me: Aww, don't be like that. I even used other people's suggestions for you, see? 111 is from utopianking and Don Thousand, 112 is from Durbe the Barian, 113 is sort of from Girl with the Fireheart (she only suggested the face-markings bit SO DON'T BLAME HER FOR MY WEIRD S*** [sorry, girl]), and 114 is from FairyLyte.**

**Vector: ...so, basically, the worst parts are all the stuff that slithers out of your cesspool of a brain.**

**Me: Pretty much, yeah.**

**Vector: Alright, you five people who read this, GIVE THE MANIAC SUGGESTIONS. I'll choose the lesser of the two evils any day.**

**Durbe: I hope I'm not interrupting, but I want to know why my belt was off in this chapter.**

**Me: Oh, it's implied that you were streaking around the shack.**

**Durbe: …**

**Vector: BWA HA HA HA HA HA-**

**Me: JK, it's not. You actually have more than one belt, so you decided to wear the other one.**

**Vector: Welp, I'm strangely disappointed.**


	4. Points 216-220

**216. Tutoring**

Well, it's been about two weeks now since I first starting writing this, and the Barian leadership has only just realized something that's kind of important: most of us don't know how to get anything done around here. Of the seven Emperors, only Nasch, Merag, and Durbe are good enough at writing in formal script to do paperwork, which, believe it or not, is supposedly a very important thing that everyone in a government position should know how to do. I know, crazy, right?

I, personally, don't intend on ever doing any paperwork of any kind unless I'm purposefully screwing it up for sh*ts and giggles, but I have to admit, I really should learn the formal glyphs. While I can get along perfectly fine without them, I've noticed that the last couple of points _(note: these have been omitted due to length and repetitiveness)_ have consisted mostly of Nasch coming up with a new way to make fun of my glyph-illiteracy every day. And while I usually appreciate creativity, NO ONE is allowed to be more creatively insulting than me, so this has to stop.

That is the only reason why I decided to go along with Durbe's plan to spend a week or two tutoring us ignoramuses. Or whatever the plural for that word is. Ignorami? Ignoramoose? ...Aw, screw it.

Anyway, Durbe got all up on his soapbox and started saying that the Barian Emperors should be a well-educated group, and for some reason no one bothered to tell him that a) Alito and Girag are too dumb to learn, b) Mizael is too pretty to learn, and c) I already know freaking everything, 'cuz that's just how I roll. So now he's organizing this massive unnecessary thing where we all teach each other dumb stuff. It's totally gonna suck.

Now I know what you're thinking. "How is this even mildly Nasch's fault?"

…

…

...dang, you're good. Uh, okay, I'll have an excuse for this one in about four points or so. Trust me.

* * *

><p><strong>217. Restrictions<strong>

Now, I'm sure you've noticed that, every once in a while, someone will suggest doing something for the purpose of team-building (see 'Shopping'). Unfortunately, this tutoring thing was one of those. The way Durbe set it up, each of us had to teach something to everybody else, although I honestly don't understand why he thought any of it would end up being useful. Nasch and Merag got a free pass by helping Durbe with his ridiculous formal glyphs class, but the rest of us were not so lucky.

Alito ended up leading an hour-long kickboxing workshop, Girag taught lessons in Japanese origami (aka making paper airplanes and throwing them at Mizael), and Mizael taught Girag how to get eaten by a dragon. Luckily, Nasch didn't think it necessary for him to share that lesson with the class.

And then it was my turn. I knew, right from the get-go, that no one was going to let me actually teach my lesson, but you have to give me some credit for trying. And I tried really, really hard.

Y'see, I wanted to create an experience that everyone would remember, something truly exceptional. I also knew that whatever I chose to present would have to be unique, and it would have to be _me._ So, I thought long and hard, and there was only one possibility:

VECTOR'S FABULOUS ADVANCED TORTURE TECHNIQUES SYMPOSIUM! TA-DAA!

Unfortunately, we didn't even have time to get started before Nasch shut us down. He stated quite rudely that torturing people was not the purpose of this activity and that I was in major trouble, so I explained to him that I'm dyslexic and I must have confused 'tutoring' for 'torturing.' Despite the incredible believability of my claim, Nasch was not amused. Right then and there, he announced that no lessons were allowed to feature weapons of any kind (ESPECIALLY not spiky clubs made out of crystals or iron maidens disguised as tanning beds), mutated goldfish with poisoned fangs that were fished out of the Sea of Ill Intent, torture devices, or even mutated goldfish with poisoned fangs being used as torture devices. I protested, of course, because obviously he just made all that up, but my lesson was ultimately found to be in violation of the rules and had to be scrapped.

So I gave him a point for that. I still can't believe Nasch made me cancel my symposium! Poor Miza-chan and Alito were so excited, I could see it in their eyes! And now I'll have to put goldfish Herod, Attila, Kim Jong Fin, Nero, Vlad, Jack the Flipper, Napoleon, and Hitler back in the Sea... I was starting to get really attached to little Hitler, too.

* * *

><p><strong>218. Literacy<strong>

After everybody else's failed attempts at creating a lesson, it was finally time to address the issue that stood defiantly at the heart of this whole ridiculous debacle: the Barian Glyphs Seminar, otherwise known as An Exercise in Killing People Through Boredom. Durbe seems to have perfected that particular method of execution into an art form.

Since Nasch and Merag had decided to help, Durbe suggested dividing up the students between the three of them so he wouldn't have to deal with all of us at once. Since no one wanted to have the privilege of teaching yours truly, the assignments were decided by pulling names from the mouth of one of Mizael's freaky dragon-shaped vases.

Merag ended up with the dimwitted duo, Alito and Girag. I kinda felt a little bad for her, just because those two are the least likely to actually learn anything, and she seems to care about this somewhat. Durbe got Mizael, but considering he's the one who suggested this dumb thing in the first place, I didn't feel bad for him. Besides, that left only one possible pair, and I didn't like it one bit.

Nasch ended up getting stuck with me. Or I ended up getting stuck with him. Whichever floats your boat.

So, while Merag, Alito, and Girag spent hours painstakingly learning the alphabet and Durbe and Mizael spent hours painstakingly learning the word 'dragon,' Nasch and I spent hours staring at each other with as much hatred as we could muster, which was a lot.

I was still a little upset about having to get rid of the mutated goldfish that I spent weeks trying to catch, so Nasch ultimately won the staring contest. I challenged him to a rematch, but the suns were in my eyes, so I lost that one, too. After about two hours, Durbe noticed that we weren't getting anything done, so he came over and suggested some things that both of us ignored. But Nasch didn't want to look bad in front of the others, so he decided to start writing cuss words on a piece of paper and telling me what they meant. Ordinarily, I would be very interested in that sort of lesson, but I already knew more swear words (in both regular script and glyphs) than he did, anyway, so I started teaching him some creatively insulting things that he, for some reason, did not appreciate.

So, at the end of the day, I had to spend over three hours with Nasch, and I still don't know how to read formal glyphs. If that isn't the most utterly useless thing I've ever done, I'm not sure what is.

* * *

><p><strong>219. Cooking Classes<strong>

Now, usually, when smart people do something really stupid, they learn not to do it again. Moderately less-smart people will figure out after about the second or third time that they should probably not do this stupid thing anymore. Chimpanzees will stop doing the stupid thing after four failures. Only real, bonafide idiots will try something dumb five times and then think to themselves, 'maybe I should try it again, just in case.'

So riddle me this. How can anyone think that Durbe is the smart one around here when he did exactly that?!

I already told you how the whole "tutoring" thing did not work out. Well, okay, Alito and Girag did manage to learn the alphabet... and we all burned some calories during the kickboxing workshop... and I did discover some amazing things about paper-airplane aerodynamics... and now I know the capital of Uzbekistan… and Alito memorized "Othello"... and Mizael cured Barian Fever... and we sent an exploratory probe into space… and Durbe calculated the airspeed velocity of an unladen African swallow… but that's beside the point. The entire activity was a total waste of time, and nobody learned anything. End of story.

So when I heard Merag ask Durbe to teach her how to cook, and he _agreed_, I couldn't help but groan. Very loudly. So that they would hear me from across the room.

Honestly, I'm not sure how good of a cook Durbe is, but I'd bet anything you want that he's better than Merag. So, even though I was sure whatever was going on would end badly, I decided to hang around and watch them try anyway. Plus, when something inevitably caught fire, I could laugh at them maniacally.

Now, I don't want you to think I'm some kind of creeper, because I'm not. I was definitely not hiding behind a rock or watching them just to watch them. And even if I was hiding behind a rock, it was a totally obvious hiding place that they totally would have seen had they not not seen it. It isn't creeping when you're being obvious about it.

Anyway, I was watching Durbe teach Merag how to cook, and it looked like they were making grilled energy cheese sandwiches. The first thing that ticked me off is that they were doing it all wrong. Durbe just stuck the energy-bread on the grill and then put slices of energy-cheese on it. That is the worst possible way to make grilled cheese. Obviously, you're supposed to cover the bread in butter, put it on the grill, flip it so that both sides get nice and toasty brown, place one slice of mozzarella on each piece of bread, cook up some mac and cheese, cover the mozz-and-bread with bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips, then dump the mac and cheese onto the sandwich and squish it together with a spatula. I mean, come on. It's not grilled cheese unless there's bacon and mac involved. Who the heck taught this guy how to cook?!

The second thing that ticked me off was the way they went about making this sacrilegious junk. And I don't mean how they left ingredients lying around, or how they didn't wash their hands first, or even how they left a towel hanging on the oven handle when that is CLEARLY a domestic fire hazard. The "cooking lesson" was disgustingly peppered with what I can only describe as… public displays of affection. What made it even worse was that I don't think they even realized what was happening.

Every once in a while, Durbe and Merag would both reach for the same ingredient or utensil at once, and then their hands would brush against each other and somebody would recoil, blushing. Usually it was Durbe. The area in front of the stove was apparently also really space-limited, so they were constantly standing right on top of each other and rubbing shoulders in what I think I'll call "casual cuddling." Then Durbe slipped on some butter, and Merag helped him up off the floor in the most annoyingly sweet way possible. When the sandwiches were finished, they decided to eat them together, and Merag glomped Durbe in a victory-hug. And when Merag's hair got a little too close to the grill and caught fire, Durbe was the one to spray her vigorously with the sink's high-pressure nozzle while she screamed. The worst part is, I didn't even laugh.

I don't know why, but watching them just made me feel sick inside. Why do they have to be so damn cute together?! And why does neither of them realize this?! By the time the fire in Merag's hair had been successfully put out and they were back to munching on their sandwiches, I was absolutely fed up with their kawaii shoujo-manga s***. And when Durbe complimented Merag on her improvement and said that he liked the sandwich she made, I lost it.

I stormed out from behind my rock, grabbed Merag by the wrist, and dragged her over to the grill. She was, understandably, shocked and confused by my stranger-than-usual behavior, but honestly, I wasn't even sure what possessed me to do that. I just told her that we were going to make a REAL grilled-cheese freaking sandwich, and that it was going to be the most awesome thing she had ever eaten. Like freaking rapture and Chuck Norris at the same time. And you know what? After some thought, she actually said that would be cool.

However, Merag's yelps of initial protest must have set off Nasch's sensors, because I didn't even have time to show her how to properly lather a slice of bread in butter before he showed up and tackled me to the ground. And then later, he gave me a lecture on how inappropriate it was to use cooking as a way to hit on his sister! Are you kidding me?! I practically SCREAMED that it was DURBE who was doing the hitting, and that I wouldn't even bother to use a bad pickup line on Merag, anyway, because she's not that hot, but for some reason that only made him angrier.

So, because of Durbe's dumb cooking class, I got an angry Nasch-tirade and missed the chance to laugh at Merag on fire. Maybe I should start a point system for Durbe...

* * *

><p><strong>220. Oh, Wait! I Know How #216 is Nasch's Fault!<strong>

He COULD HAVE told Durbe that his tutoring idea was stupid, but he DIDN'T.

HA! I told you I'd come up with something eventually! And look, I got an extra point out of it, too! MWAH HA HA HA HA! I AM SUCH A GENIUS!

Inaction is just as bad as wrong action, kids. Remember that.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: And so, in honor of Valentine's Day, here is a little HolyIceshipping and denial!Gorgonicshipping for you all. There's nothing quite as romantic as your sweetheart's hair catching on fire! <strong>

**Special thanks to Girl with the Fire Heart for 217, FairyLyte for 218 (and the basis for this whole chapter, really), and Durbe the Barian for 219. And as always, suggestions are extremely welcome! I'm a suggestion junkie! GOTTA GET MAH FIX, YO!**

**As a side note, the Grilled-Cheese: Vector Style is a cookable thing, and it really is good. You should try it sometime.**


	5. Points 1321-1325

**1321. Pets**

Okay, so, a really, really long time ago, like, around Point #532 or something _(note: omitted)_, I found a rabid Barian Dingo (or "Bingo" for short) wandering around outside the palace. The little guy was just so cute, he looked like he wanted to tear someone's face off! In fact, I think he ate a baby right before I found him. He was SO ADOWABLE ~ ! So I decided to keep him as a pet and brought him into my room.

Honest to Don Thousand, I had Bingo for ONE DAY before Nasch found out and told me I had to get rid of him. He accused poor, innocent little Bingo of biting people and giving the servants Barian Rabies! Can you believe it?! Well, obviously I told him that Bingo would never do such a thing, but he insisted that I put him back where I found him. He also said that the day he let me have a pet would be the day the world exploded.

Feeling that he was being extremely unfair, I politely pointed out to him that he wouldn't let me have Bingo, but he _would_ let Mizael, who happens to be almost as quick to violence as I am, have a massive, fire-breathing, time-continuum-manipulating DRAGON, but he didn't appreciate the discrepancy and threatened to kill Bingo if I didn't get rid of him.

Obviously, I gave him a point for that, but I didn't get rid of Bingo; I just hid him in the library. Durbe is the only one who goes in there, and he's always got his nose in a book, so it's working out to be a pretty good hiding place so far.

Anyway, I was really p*ssed off, so I decided that if Nasch wouldn't let me have a pet, I'd get the next-best thing: a clone.

Clones are a little more high-maintenance than pets, and you have to wait for them to grow up before you can do anything with them, but there are a billion different ways that having a body double could be useful. I figured if I had a clone, I could send _him_ to boring meetings, or make _him_ do stupid paperwork, or let Nasch send _him_ out on errands. Then I realized that a clone would be good for something else, too: instant alibi. With a clone, I could do all kinds of s*** and get away with it, and that made me so excited that I just _had_ to have one.

And so, after briefly borrowing Durbe's genetic engineering equipment, I was able to create an embryo using only my superior DNA and the husk of a female cell I swabbed off of Merag while she was asleep. Now, I want to make sure you don't get the wrong idea; the ONLY reason I took the cell from Merag is that she's the only female Emperor, and I needed one. THAT'S IT. There were no ulterior motives involved. So get off my case already! Geez.

Anyway, I stuck the embryo in a Barian crystal, hid it in the Horticulture section of the library (not even Durbe goes in there), and waited for it to get old enough that it could take care of itself when it woke up. And whaddaya know, that day just happened to be today! So I decided to move the crystal back to my room and start the delicate process of getting my now-about-ten-year-old clone out of there. I say "delicate" because if the crystal cracked even a little bit, there was a chance that my clone would get messed up somehow, and I really didn't want that. It would be embarrassing.

Well, I was literally about to start when the door to my room swung open with a bang. Guess who it was? Guess. I'll give you one try.

Yep, it was Nasch. He came storming into my room and then stopped in his tracks, staring at me. He then asked me what the f*** I was doing, and I told him I was trying to get my clone out of this Barian crystal. He then asked me why I even made a clone in the first place, and I told him to GTFO of my room. Instead, he started yelling at me about how there was no way he was gonna tolerate two of me running around, and then I got really mad and started yelling about how grossly unfair he was, so Nasch called me an insane psychopath and I called his mother some unpleasant things, and then somehow we were throwing punches and Nasch let out a blue lightning bolt, which I dodged.

Then I heard this sickening cracking noise.

I turned around, and sure enough, there was a giant fissure in the crystal. It slashed right across my clone's chest, gaping like an open wound. For once, I forgot about Nasch and ran over to the crystal, working on dissolving it. I was not gonna let my ten years of hard work die, dammit!

Eventually, I managed to free my clone, but the damage was already done. He had a huge crack running across his chest, and he was taking a while to wake up, which was a bad sign. I even gave him a little bit of my energy, and it still took him a full minute or two to open his eyes. When he did, I was a little surprised. His eyes were violet, just like mine, but they were wide, bright, and shining with innocence. In short, they were… cute.

It was at that point that I knew something had gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I started to turn around to vent my anger at Nasch, but my clone suddenly wrapped his arms around my neck and squealed, "Daddy!" I tried to pry him off, but he just wouldn't let go! I haven't been so totally unable to push something away from me since I got a Barian leech stuck to my face. While I struggled, Nasch just stood there, smirking at me. I told him it wasn't funny and that he probably made my clone retarded, but he just laughed and said it was my genes that did that. I grudgingly admitted that I walked right into that one before flipping him the bird, a gesture that my clone immediately copied with a giggle.

Seizing my chance, I wrenched his other arm off of me and pushed him what I thought was a safe distance away. Nasch rolled his eyes at me and said that Merag would probably get mad at him if he killed my clone, but he made me promise to take care of him entirely on my own and to not let him get into any trouble. I told him I could only guarantee one of those things, and he growled and stomped out of the room. My clone waved at him cheerily, and I told him to cut it out.

And that is how I ended up with a messed-up clone because of Nasch. Now he'll only be able to pass for me if he's wearing my cowl! I swear, I almost abandoned this whole point system right then and there. I am getting so tired of this s***!

Although my clone does seem to know a lot about horticulture, which is useful, since I've decided to start growing some mutant Venus flytraps. Never know when they might come in handy.

* * *

><p><strong>1322. Dueling Lessons<strong>

News travels faster than the speed of light on Barian, so by the time I'd finished telling my clone exactly how much to hate Nasch, all of the other Emperors had already heard about him and started dropping by my room. And they didn't go away when I told them to, either. They actually started _playing_ with my clone! Apparently they think he's cute or something. And the little brat just sat there and let them fawn all over him with his stupid adorable-eyes, like some kind of puppy. Frankly, I was too ashamed to even try to stop them. Alito showed him some boxing moves, Girag told him some stupid story about raccoon-dogs, Durbe brought him a copy of "The Legend of King Arthur" from the library, Mizael made him a freaking dragon plushie, and then Merag showed up and started cooing and making ridiculous noises, cuddling him and expressing her immense sympathies that he had to be my clone. I was about to retort when my clone suddenly asked her, "why are you sorry? My Daddy's nice, isn't he?" And then everybody stopped talking.

Merag eventually told my clone that he's "just too cute" and asked what his name was. It was then that I realized I'd completely forgotten to give him a name, a fact that my clone immediately pointed out to everyone. Merag got all huffy and started glaring daggers at me, so I decided I had to make something up.

I ended up naming him "Hector." Not very creative, I know, but I was under pressure! Hector liked the name, anyway, but I get the feeling that I could have named him Billy Bob Thompson and he would have been overjoyed.

Anyway, it was somehow decided that Hector had to learn how to duel, so the others all wanted to give him dueling lessons. I was given absolutely no say in the matter, even though I told them that I should be the one to teach him to duel since I want him to duel like I do. But of course, no one around here listens to either me or Common Sense. They ended up drawing names out of another one of Mizael's weird dragon vases, but Alito accidentally grabbed two slips when he reached in, so both Merag and Durbe felt like they had equal claim to the honor (?) of teaching Hector how to play Duel Monsters. Seeing this as a chance to maybe fix some of the damage they were bound to do to my extremely impressionable young clone, I suggested that the two of them face off against me and Hector in a tag-team duel. That way, I could tell him to do only what he saw me do. Miraculously, they agreed, so I loaned Hector my Shining deck and told him to watch and learn.

However, the duel turned out to be extremely pathetic. Durbe would spend hours explaining everything he did, why he did it, when a card's effect could be used, when it could not be used, when it could be used but it probably wouldn't be a good idea to use it, why the cards are color-coded, the different breeds of Kuriboh and all their effects, and the joys and wonders of the mysterious Standby Phase. I felt like I was listening to a dissertation.

And then Merag went extremely easy on Hector but totally tough on me. She made sure to only attack his monsters when they were in Defense Position, and whenever he attacked her, she "forgot" to activate her face-down cards. I told her that I didn't want him to learn how to be a pansy, but then she just started blasting away at me. It was like I was a target and her Duel Disk was an AK-47. Luckily for me, Hector's desire to defend his "Daddy" and his apparent rapt attention to Durbe's lectures quickly turned him into a major threat, so Merag started to take him seriously. Then we were able to both go after her and knock her out of the duel. At some point, Durbe finally got tired of talking and started playing, but he was only able to beat Hector before my Masquerade got to him.

Was I happy that I won? Yeah, but I felt like I wasted a whole lot of my time. So I decided to blame Nasch, because if he hadn't told everyone about Hector, we wouldn't have had that terrible duel in the first place.

* * *

><p><strong>1323. Redecorating<strong>

Now, I admit, I wasn't quite sure what to do with Hector once it was time to go to sleep. My room is pretty small, and there isn't really any place for him. Plus, I've noticed that his chest deformity makes strange whistling noises when he sleeps, kind of like snoring, but… creepier. So I lugged him over to the library and threw down some blankets in the Horticulture section, which he was perfectly okay with, seeing as he grew up there.

However, the next morning, Durbe just _happened_ to want a book on planting Barian daffodils (don't ask me why), so of course he stumbled upon Hector and ran off to tell Nasch. Later in the morning, I get an extremely angry Nasch and Merag at my door, demanding to know why Hector was sleeping in the library. I told them that I really didn't have room for him, and Nasch told me that was B.S. and almost launched into a tirade, but Merag stopped him. Shockingly, she agreed that my room was too small for two people, and suggested that they build another one for Hector. Nasch looked like he wanted desperately to protest, but Merag totally shut him down. In fact, she even got him to redecorate the rest of the palace, too. That was probably her real aim from the beginning. I personally don't know why redecorating would be necessary, but it is apparently going to happen.

Nasch's only condition was that I do most of the work on Hector's room myself, which I strongly objected to. I was fine with letting him sleep in the library. But no. My opinions apparently do not count for jack around here.

* * *

><p><strong>1324. Redecorating (Part II)<strong>

Well, today I learned why Merag wanted to redecorate: apparently, Alito's been working on a floating crystal chair for himself, and, having already decimated what used to be the rock garden in order to get the material he needs, he's been taking it from the walls. I was actually surprised; at first, I thought Merag had finally discovered the crude symbols I drew on the walls of her room in invisible ink about a year ago. However, it looks like my secret artwork remains gloriously undiscovered.

Anyway, basically the extent of the redecorating was to fill in the holes in the walls and knock down some other walls to make a room for Hector, since it's not like we could repaint or get new carpet. We've been here for at least ten years and we still have neither of those things.

Alito was the source of the problem, so he got assigned to hole-fixing duty with Durbe, Merag, and Mizael. Since Girag is a big dude, it made sense to have him help me tear stuff down… but I really don't understand why Nasch had to work on the new room with us. He claimed that he wanted to make sure I didn't destroy anything that wasn't supposed to be destroyed, but I pointed out that if I was gonna destroy something, he would be powerless to stop me, anyway, since he'd already delivered the power-drill into my capable hands.

A short scuffle ensued, and my drill was replaced with a staple gun. I wasn't sure what we were gonna use it for, but whatever. If Nasch didn't want me to do anything, I was perfectly fine with not doing anything. So I mostly sat there and taunted him and Girag while they worked. When Nasch complained that I wasn't helping, I stapled his cape to the rafters and ran off, cackling.

I knew Nasch would probably destroy me if he managed to free himself, so I took a quick trip to the library and spent a couple of hours playing with Bingo. Eventually Hector showed up with a grilled-cheese sandwich that he said was for me, but the bacon smelled a little… strange, so I was immediately suspicious. Turns out Merag was trying to lure me out with food, most likely so that Nasch could turn me into a pile of finely-ground rubble… although Hector assured me that, "meaning well," she just wanted me to see the "wonderful" job everyone else had done.

Well, I was kinda already getting bored, so I decided to leave the library anyway, but I told Hector to burn the sandwich. I have to admit, it did look pretty good (she's been improving recently) but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Surprisingly, the others did a pretty okay job with the redecorating. It's hard to change things up when the only color available is red, but the new walls looked tasteful nonetheless. Of course, the areas that Mizael worked on happen to have suspiciously dragon-shaped splotches all over them, but otherwise, loathe as I am to say this, the place looks pretty snappy. The funny part is that Durbe was actually the one to do the designing; he claims that he was only good at it because he read a book on the subject, but I think it's really because he secretly yearns to be a housewife. With Merag as his husband.

Anyway, the rest of the Emperors fixed the walls and made a little room for Hector right next to mine. I actually kind of complimented them a little, but Nasch was still pretty mad at me for some reason, so he chewed me out. At least now he knows not to ask me to help with things. There was something a little odd about him, though, which I didn't notice until later...

* * *

><p><strong>1325. Nasch's Cape is Still Stapled to Hector's Ceiling <strong>

Apparently he had to take it off just to free himself. Which, honestly, is pretty hilarious.

The best part is that he's just leaving it there. Turns out Nasch is the kind of weirdo that has spare capes lying around. I gotta admit, this is one of the funniest things that's happened all day.

But Nasch didn't seem to agree with me on that. Hence the point. You know the drill by now.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Wow, this chapter is really long. Way too long. And I had a hard time coming up with a punchline. *shakes fist* Why are you causing trouble for me?! This is supposed to be the stupid easy fic! *sob*<strong>

**Anyway, say hello to Hector, Vector's totally kawaii-desu clone. The reason I've added him to the story is that I, personally, have never been satisfied with Vector's flippant "oh that was just my clone" explanation of how he was able to be in two places at once. One does not simply say "that's my CLONE" and leave it there! Legitimate clones are a really big deal. They're living, independent organisms, pretty much exactly like children but with only one parent's DNA. Knowing that canon was never going to give me the in-depth explanation that I wanted, I decided to make it myself, and Hector was born (?).**

**On that note, I would like to state for the record that cloning had nothing to do with anyone's suggestions, but I would still like to thank Charlotte Ink for 1321, Durbe the Barian for 1322, and FairyLyte for 1323 and 1324. If you have any more suggestions, GIVE THEM TO ME! *waves around a squirt gun* Gimme the suggestions now, or everyone here gets it! (Just kidding. I do really like suggestions, though…)**


	6. Points 1531-1535

**1531. Babysitting**

Alright, so, not gonna lie… I was kinda expecting Hector to be able to take care of himself by this point. I don't really remember what I was like when I was ten (or if I ever even was ten), but I'm pretty sure I was more capable than this. I mean, he doesn't know how to do anything except duel, eat, sleep, squeal, be a general annoyance, and garden. And he's always hanging around me, as if he expects me to teach him stuff! Pssht. What do I look like, a babysitter?!

Well, apparently that is what I look like to Nasch, because he told me today that I have to start actually supervising Hector instead of just letting him run around doing whatever. You know what, I bet this is Mizael's doing. That prissy yellow dragon-freak must have gone whining to Nasch, just because Hector may or may not have consumed an entire jar of sugar before drawing flowers all over Tachyon in purple crayon. Luckily, the dragon seems to like him for some reason, otherwise he would have ended up barbeque, but Mizael… he is a strange little man, let's just say that. I think he got subconsciously jealous that *gasp!* Tachyon can abide someone other than him, so he must have complained to Nasch about how Hector was distracting him from all the important work that he was doing (aka watching reruns of Dragon Tales).

So Nasch called me out and insisted that I actually pay attention to Hector, which, because I wasn't really in the mood for a lightning bolt to the face, I grudgingly decided to do.

I have spent the last hour or so fervently regretting that decision. And/or inadvertently teaching Hector cuss words.

Don't get me wrong; it's not that he gets into trouble. Oh, no. The problem is that he refuses to get into trouble. It took me twenty minutes just to convince him that putting a Whoopie cushion on Nasch's throne was not going to hurt anyone, and even then he was so afraid of somebody seeing him that he forgot to inflate it.

Having a clone that won't engage in mischief and rascality with me is kinda frustrating, since that is pretty much what I created him for in the first place. On top of that, he is just so freaking clumsy that he ruins anything I can get him to do. For example, Merag happened to be taking a nap at the time (because she's one of the few people around here who actually does productive stuff and thus was tired), so I suggested that we Sharpie her face. I made it sound like a fun coloring game, though, so Hector unwittingly agreed, and I told him to draw something funny, like a moustache or a unibrow.

So we go into her room, right? Hector's got the Sharpie uncapped, and I'm standing in front of him, urging him forward because Merag's kind of a light sleeper and we had to avoid triggering one of Nasch's alarms. Well, Hector tripped and fell forward with the Sharpie in his hand, smashing into me and sending both of us to the floor.

This obviously woke Merag up; she looked about ready to blast us with icicles, but as soon as her eyes landed on me, she simply started laughing. Turns out that while he was flailing around and bumping into me, Hector's Sharpie had drawn a moustache on _my_ face.

So I was forced to beat a hasty retreat to avoid further humiliation, and Hector honestly didn't understand why I was embarrassed, which somehow made it even worse. Luckily, Bingo's saliva happens to be perfect for dissolving things, but it made my face sting… anyway, that was only one example of the kind of stuff I had to deal with during that horrible hour. There was actually one thing that happened that was so singular that I had to give it its own point:

* * *

><p><strong>1532. Capes.<strong>

Ten minutes after the Sharpie incident, my cheeks were still red from either the acidic Bingo-drool or shame (or both), and I still had twenty minutes to kill before I could tell Nasch I'd successfully supervised my clone. Now, considering my previous failures, I'm not quite sure what possessed me to even try to do anything at all, but I was getting bored and I wanted to torture Nasch a little.

Now, some points back, I had stapled Nasch's cape to the ceiling of Hector's room. It stayed there for quite a while, and Hector told me he used it as a curtain of sorts, though I really don't know what he'd even use a curtain in the middle of his room for, anyway. However, he must've been using it for something, because it finally came down a couple days ago. It was just sitting there on the floor in a little forlorn pile, and seeing it gave me a wicked idea.

I told Hector that whoever wore the cape was the leader of the Barian Emperors. Despite his many failings, he does seem to have my intelligence, because he didn't believe me at first, citing Nasch's many spare capes as evidence of the fact that the cloth was nothing more than a fashion statement. I, however, have far more experience tricking than he does being tricked, so I was able to convince him that the spares were really Nasch's way of saving face after being forced to give up the source of his power, and that he was just waiting for the magical sealing staples I'd used to fasten the cape to the ceiling to wear off so he could take it back. I may have also insinuated that Nasch was a cruel tyrant who was bending the other Emperors to his will, and that it was Hector's patriotic duty to don the cape and free us all from the Evil One. Something like that, I don't really remember the details.

Anyway, Hector totally fell for it, and watching him run around tripping over that ridiculous cape and urging the others to break free from their bonds of servitude and rise up against the tentacle-headed oppressor was one of the most hilarious things I've seen in a while. Alito must not have realized that he was serious and thought he was playing some kind of game, because he tied his cloak around his neck and even helped Hector bother Girag into joining their little "rebellion." However, Mizael downright refused to even acknowledge them, so Hector actually came running back to me, saying that Miza-chan wouldn't listen and he needed my help to make him see the error of his ways. By that point, I had to constantly choke back my laughter, so I couldn't possibly refuse joining in… though I ultimately decided to have Mizael labeled an unholy false prophet who was beyond saving in the interest of not getting burnt to a crisp by Tachyon.

Hector's next targets were Durbe and Merag, who happened to be doing some kind of paperwork together. Durbe insisted that it was very important, but Merag must have thought we were all playing make-believe (which I guess by that point we were), so she eventually convinced "Sir Bores-alot" to help us storm the palace and knock some sense into her "big mean brother."

Then came the part I had been waiting for: to see the look on Nasch's face when Hector walked into the throne room wearing his cape and declaring that he was the leader of the New Barian Republic (as our ridiculous band of rebels had taken to calling ourselves). And boy was it worth it. Everything from anger to confusion to betrayal and even that special Nasch brand of annoyance occupied his features all at once, making him look like he'd either mutated in the face or sucked on a carton of energy-lemons.

However, instead of lashing out or even continuing to be upset, do you know what he did? He played along! Like, he started calling Hector things like "young hero" and dramatically monologuing about his inevitable defeat. I mean, he actually got into it! And he even pretended to let Hector beat him up! While it was certainly amusing to watch, it wasn't nearly as funny as I'd imagined Nasch exploding with rage would have been, so I was slightly disappointed.

As if that didn't ruin everything, Hector must have figured out that I'd lied to him about the cape somewhere along the line, because when Mizael decided to be a party-pooper and broke the news to him, he wasn't nearly as shocked as I would have liked.

And then came the icing on the Disappointment-flavored cake: Nasch decided that we'd wasted too much time and told us all (excepting Hector) to go to the conference room for a boring meeting. He said it was super important, but all I heard was "it will waste three hours of your life." So, yeah. There ain't no way I'm gonna let him get off without a point for ruining my fun.

* * *

><p><strong>1533. Meeting<strong>

Now, if there's one thing I've noticed about these "important" meetings, it's that they're almost never important. I don't think I've actually listened to a single word that's been said during any of them. That's because they're usually about things like taxes or other evils of the bureaucracy that mean nothing to me except lots of pointless hoops to jump through and red tape. So, when Nasch called the meeting to order, I raised my hand and jokingly asked if this was about the end of the world.

He stared at me like I had three heads and asked, "How did you know?!"

That was when I realized we had a problem.

Turns out, Merag had some kind of freaky dream about Barian World falling apart while she was napping earlier, so Nasch wanted to know if any of us had noticed anything out of the ordinary. Merag has prophetic dreams every once in a while, so we all had to take her seriously... although her last "vision" was of me turning into a human with orange hair and falling down some stairs, so I don't really trust her accuracy all that much.

Anyway, apparently there were no immediate signs of our impending doom, so the meeting moved on to less interesting things and I found myself staring off into space singing "ninety-nine Duel Monsters cards on the wall" in my head.

By the time I got to twenty-three, Durbe was talking about taxes again, and I was seriously about to explode. I needed something ridiculous to happen, and fast. So the next time Durbe asked me a question, I just said the first thing that popped into my head, which happened to be "saxophones." Don't ask me why.

Well, it turns out that the question was "Why didn't you file your 1040 EZ this year?", and apparently "saxophones" was not one of the responses that would have prevented me from being audited by the Barian Internal Revenue Service. The BIRS is one of the most evil organizations in the known universe; no one knows exactly where they come from or even what they are, but bad things happen to Barians who don't fill out their forms. Shrouded in mystery, BIRS agents are known simply as "the Tax Men," and they are feared by everyone, including, to some extent, me. So, when Durbe told me I was gonna get an audit, I freaked. I made up some excuse about giving saxophone lessons and not knowing whether that income was taxable, which turned out to be my doom.

Not only did Durbe buy the excuse and offer to help me fill out my forms, but now the others want me to give them music lessons! I know, stupid, right? Apparently Merag thought it would be fun to learn to play something (she said it'd make her seem more "cultured," whatever the heck that means), and then Durbe just HAD to join her, which of course set off Nasch's possible-boyfriend-proximity sensors so he wants lessons, too, and then Alito figured learning an instrument was now the "cool" thing to do and immediately wanted in on it, and Girag just does whatever Alito does… and Mizael, for some reason, has always legitimately wanted to learn the flute. Tch… like lemmings following each other off a cliff, these guys.

They even said they'd be willing to pay me, which I appreciate, but there's just one little problem.

I DON'T PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS. NOT EVEN THE MOTHER-F***ING SAXOPHONE.

But if I don't give them lessons, I'm gonna get audited, so I guess I'll come up with something. Still. Point for the freaking meeting being so boring that I ruined my own life trying to entertain myself.

* * *

><p><strong>1534. Music<strong>

Yeah, I knew these instrumental lessons were gonna blow up in my face. But as I stated earlier, I was caught between a rock and a pointy rock, so I rushed to the library and started leafing through all the books on musicianship I could find. So frenzied was I that the librarian (one of Durbe's people, naturally) threatened to kick me out, but luckily Bingo can unhinge his jaw and swallow things up to ten times larger than himself, so I was able to continue my research undisturbed.

Turns out music has all kinds of complicated stuff like notes and chords and mixed meter... but that kind of structure just ain't my style. I figured out how to play the saxophone through trial and error; the flute was a little harder, but I made noises eventually (even though they sounded like a garbage truck). When it came time to pass my knowledge on to my pupils (aka pull something out of my a**), I basically just played random notes but made it look really cool, and surprisingly, it worked. I dubbed this brand-new technique "improvisational jazz," improvisational because I didn't know what the flip I was doing, and jazz because it just sounds awesome. Jaaaaazzzzz. See, isn't that awesome?

Not surprisingly, the others were terrible at it. Durbe nearly short-circuited just by being faced with the possibility of no structure, and Girag completely lacks any creative capacity. Alito got bored after two seconds, and Nasch blatantly refused to even do anything, just sat there and watched Durbe and Merag like a hawk. Merag is actually pretty good at the saxophone; she has a really smooth tone, low, silky smooth like chocolate or a back massage, but improv is just not her thing. And as for Mizael... well, frankly, he's great, but I never really liked the flute.

So, I guess I created a new art form (?). I don't really know what the heck it is, but whatever. Still, I'm kinda mad that I had to do this in the first place, so Nasch is getting another point.

* * *

><p><strong>1535. Suspicions<strong>

Basically, Nasch found out that the librarian's mysteriously gone missing, and of course he just assumed it had something to do with me.

Tch. The bias around here is ridiculous.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: This chapter was somehow even more random than the others, despite the fact that the points all kind of lead into each other. Although, to be honest, randomness is expected in this fic, I think. <strong>

**Yes, Vector just invented jazz. Interesting tidbit: when jazz first started becoming popular, it was basically seen as sinful devil-music, kind of like rock and roll. As for how the Barians are able to play woodwind instruments... it's magic. (JK, they can probably make the reeds vibrate or blow air through their gems or something. Don't think about it too much, it's not meant to be serious.)**

**Thanks to FairyLyte for 1532, Durbe the Barian for 1533, and Charlotte Ink for 1534 (I tweaked the suggestion a little bit...). I have gotten A TON of suggestions, so if I didn't use yours, don't feel bad; I pick suggestions that I think will work well together in a chapter, so if yours hasn't popped up yet, it might later. That being said, thanks for all your awesome suggestions, and PLEASE GIVE ME MORE. I NEEEEED THEM...**


	7. Points 2646-2650

**2646. The BIRS**

Okay, so remember how, a couple points ago, I had to go to the ridiculous trouble of teaching the others music just to have an excuse for not getting my taxes in on time? Remember how Durbe also promised to help me with my forms, since he's the only one who really knows how to fill them out? Remember all that? Well, guess what.

I got audited anyway. And it was not an experience I intend on ever repeating.

Basically, what happened was that I claimed Hector as a dependent on my form (because he is), but I didn't indicate that I'd had a child since my last filing (because I haven't). Apparently, this seemed like a discrepancy to the BIRS; the possibility of cloning must not have crossed their minds. I mean, if I'd known that telling the truth was actually going to get me in trouble, I would've lied. At least I'm not going to make that mistake again.

Anyway, one day I get a knock at the door of my room, and my sixth sense told me whatever was out there wasn't good. It almost seemed like there was some kind of evil aura filtering through the space under my door. But I'm one of those people who does the exact opposite of whatever I'm told to do, and that applies to my sixth sense and conscience, as well. So, despite the terrified screaming of my intuition, I sauntered over to the door and pulled it open.

I'm not really sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't a pasty nerd covered in freckles sporting a clipboard and a pocket protector. I still felt the evil presence, but I had no idea where the heck it was coming from, because the mayonnaise-colored Barian in front of me looked more like the captain of the intergalactic chess team than some fiendish agent of The State.

He looked down at his clipboard and asked if I was Vector, of the Barian Emperors. I asked him if he was f***ing kidding me, everyone on this planet knows who I am! He, annoyingly, was unfazed and told me in a dull monotone that "it's just standard procedure, sir" before asking the question again. Too short on patience to play games with him, I curtly confirmed and he scribbled something on his clipboard. He then introduced himself as Sargas, a senior agent of the Barian Internal Revenue Service. He said there was an inconsistency in my forms and that I was now under investigation.

Feeling bold in the face of Sargas' utterly non-threatening appearance, I made a rude gesture, told him to shove his investigation somewhere where the suns don't shine, and slammed the door.

Satisfied with my spectacular handling of the problem, I turned around and started to head back towards my desk, probably intending on throwing out all the important paperwork and leaving the irrelevant stuff, like I usually do.

He was _there. _Sargas was sitting at my desk, with his tax papers spread all over the surface.

Now, I know that doesn't sound like much, since Barians have the ability to teleport. But the walls of the palace are made with a special crystal compound that makes it impossible for portals in the overlay network to pass through them.

So I stood there, this creeping unease building up inside me, wondering, how the hell did he get into my room?!

Sargas didn't seem aware of the fact that he'd magically poofed behind my desk in defiance of all the laws of physics... that, or he was just completely indifferent to everything, whether it was me or the way the universe was supposed to work. It was f***ing unsettling. "Are you ready to begin?" he asked, but the way he said it wasn't even creepy or anything, it was just flat, and that's the scariest part. I can't really explain it, but something about him, about the blotchy grey freckles that spread over his sickly skin, or the glassy, pale eyes that rolled around languidly in his sockets like a fish's, just disturbed me to my core.

Sargas spent the next twelve hours relentlessly poring over all of my financial records, interrogating me with ruthless blandness until I felt I would literally, actually die if I didn't escape. It was kind of like every time he asked me how much income I got from X source, he sucked a little bit of life from me. I could feel my originality draining away, and by the time I started to think that being nice to people might be a good idea, I knew I had to get the heck out of there.

So I struggled to drag my consciousness back from the mire of dull number-crunching, and as I pulled free, I flipped the desk. Tax papers flew everywhere, but suddenly Sargas was gone. Vanished without a trace.

Sometimes I wonder if the audit even happened at all. There was no physical evidence that Sargas had been there, and the only clue that anything had even occurred was my overturned desk... and a stack of magically corrected tax forms. The others think I'm crazy (as in actually crazy, not my usual), but I am willing to swear on anything you want that a BIRS agent was in my room. Honestly, it keeps me up at night.

Knowing _he's_ out there, somewhere, being impossibly bland, swallowing up the life force of the universe like a black hole, freaks me the hell out.

And Nasch, who is the ultimate root of the problem because he's one of the reasons I messed up my forms in the first place, is getting a point.

* * *

><p><strong>2647. Play-dates<strong>

Now, I haven't tried actually supervising Hector since that last... incident. Any time I need him out of my hair, I tell him to get lost, so for a while I had no idea where he went during the day. He always came back in time for dinner, though, so it wasn't much of a concern. I mean, I wouldn't be concerned even if he didn't, because I'm not some kind of worried parent or anything… that would be sappy and stupid.

But a couple of weeks ago, he started coming back a lot later than usual. Like, hours later than usual. The kid's smart enough to fend for himself, but I was honestly intrigued. Given his weird hobbies, I figured he was out planting some secret garden or something and tried to forget about it, but one day he came home after ten at night and I just couldn't contain my curiosity anymore.

So, yesterday I told him to get lost, per usual, but when he left the palace, I used my special ninja skillz to follow him. After twenty minutes or so, I found myself in Nasch's territory, the part of the city around the palace that he has direct control over: the infamous Naschville.

Now, I wasn't afraid of getting caught or anything; there's a pastry shop smack-dab in the middle of Naschville that makes the best energy-strudel ever, so I'm in and out of there all the time, usually carrying purloined strudel, and nobody's ever caught me. But I was kinda miffed that my clone was running off to my worst enemy's territory without telling me… at first, I was afraid he'd betrayed me in favor of "Uncle Nasch."

Turns out, it was worse.

Eventually, we came to a cute little house, and Hector bounced up to the door and rang the bell. After a few seconds, a little Barian girl with suspiciously familiar green hair answered the door, and Hector skipped inside. Now, I make it my policy never to mingle with the commoners, especially Nasch's commoners, so I really didn't know where I could have recognized that girl's hair from. Then, suddenly, it hit me.

It was Merag's hair. The exact same shape, just green instead of blue. Once I realized that, I actually remembered seeing her in the palace a couple of times; Nasch apparently had some kind of special fondness for her. I couldn't remember her name for the life of me, though.

Anyway, I was totally p*ssed that Hector was fraternizing with Nasch's little favorite, so I flew home in a rage (but not before grabbing some strudel) and prepared to give him a serious whooping. I had all kinds of fiendish plans in mind, but when the little rat actually came home, he was so darn happy that my brain, already sort of mushed after the audit, short-circuited and forgot everything I wanted to do to him. I did, however, let him know that I knew exactly what he was doing and that I was less than thrilled, which is sort of its own punishment. Hector practically worships me, so he gets all depressed if I even hint that I'm disappointed in him. It's kinda funny.

Anyway, he realized that the jig was up, so he spilled everything, including the stuff that I didn't really care about. He told me how he met Iris (that was the girl's name) after getting lost in the city one time, and they became instant friends, and now he goes over to her house practically every day to play... it was a little sickening, honestly. But I knew I couldn't really do anything to put a stop to this behavior short of actually watching him all day, so I forcefully reminded him that any clone of mine getting chummy with one of Nasch's people would be a terrible embarrassment to me and told him to practice extreme discretion.

For some reason, "Hector" and "discretion" don't go well together.

Remember how news spreads fast on Barian? Well, either Hector or Iris must have spilled to somebody, because the very next day everyone from Merag to Alito is stopping me in the hallways, commenting on how cute those two are together. Even Mizael said it was cute! MIZAEL! I mean, seriously! What the flying f***?!

Of course, the only one who didn't think it was cute happened to be Nasch. He seems to be of the opinion that I am trying to use Hector to pollute Iris' innocent mind, which is completely ridiculous. There are a billion different better ways of doing that, assuming I'd even want to. I don't know why the heck he thinks I do, but I've noticed that Nasch gets a little paranoid when I'm around his people. Again, dunno why, but he's still getting a point.

* * *

><p><strong>2648. Dress-up<strong>

Now, that last point was pretty embarrassing, but it's nothing compared to this one. I swear, if there had been a black hole for me to crawl into when it happened, I would have. Heck, I would have done almost anything to avoid the shame, but it's too late now, and I'm pretty sure I will never hear the end of it.

It all started on a normal day; I was getting ready for "work" (even within the quotes the term is used loosely), and there was another useless meeting scheduled, so I drank about ten more cups of energy-coffee than usual before telling Hector to get lost and heading for the library to feed Bingo. The little guy must have been feeling peckish, because he didn't even touch the second death-row inmate I brought for him. See, Nasch was starting to notice that servants and other such expendable Barians were disappearing at a slightly-above-usual rate, so I had to resort to feeding Bingo people that no one would miss.

Anyway, we were in the middle of the meeting (this one was devoted to discussing whether the word "Barian" should always be capitalized regardless of its position in a sentence), when suddenly we started hearing this strange growling sound. It was quiet and only happened once or twice at first, but as the meeting wore on, the growls started getting louder, longer, and more frequent. It got to be so bad that Durbe had to ask Mizael if he'd smuggling in Tachyon with him somehow. Turns out that he had, but the dragon wasn't the one making the extremely-distracting sound.

Finally, Nasch stood up from his seat, looking slightly embarrassed. "I think we should-" he began, but was suddenly interrupted by another menacing growl. "...take a lunch break," he muttered, cheeks red, and I realized that what had been growling was his stomach and proceeded to laugh my head off.

So we all filed out of the meeting room with half-hearted promises to pick up exactly where we left off in about an hour. Merag suggested that we all go somewhere together for lunch, and everybody else agreed, eventually forcing me to join them by promising me the right to pick where we went. Now, normally I would have come up with something really mean or hilarious, but I was starting to get seriously hungry, too, and if MY stomach started growling right after I spent ten minutes mocking Nasch, I'd never live it down. So, I hastily went with the first thing that came to mind; the pastry shop in Naschville with the really good strudel. It's also a deli.

Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when we got there.

The first strange thing was that all the women who are usually supposed to be behind the counter were standing in a circle in front of the door, cooing and squealing at something. When we entered the shop, they all hurried back to their spots and dipped their heads out of respect to our authority. We now had an unobstructed view of the source of the excitement, and I felt like fainting, running away, killing myself, killing someone else, blowing something up, writing emo poetry, running around in frantic circles, or melting into a puddle of shame and congealing on the floor. All at the same time.

Hector and Iris stood together in the middle of the shop, but that's not the issue. Iris was wearing some kind of weird plastic set of toy armor, and Hector… oh Don Thousand, do I have to say it?

He was wearing a frilly, shimmering, sparkle-covered bright pink DRESS. Complete with a pink tiara nestled firmly in his bluish hair and a pair of sparkly fairy-wings (also pink) taped over his own.

Nasch, f*** him, was the first to laugh. He laughed and laughed, with malicious ferocity, and after a few seconds, everyone else joined in. Even Durbe couldn't hold back his chuckles, and Mizael snickered so loudly that Tachyon started copying him by making strange wheezing noises.

I have no idea what my face looked like at that point, but I must have been pretty scary, because Hector opened up a portal and disappeared. I felt like doing the same myself, but the others wouldn't let me; they trapped me there and forced me to have lunch with them, laughing about the "pretty princess" for HOURS. I was so desperate, I even suggested finishing the meeting just to get them off the subject, but to no avail.

Merag, whose kindness I rarely appreciate because it's never directed towards me, finally told them to knock it off, saying that there was nothing wrong with kids playing dress-up and that Hector's feelings had probably been hurt. The less-jerky Emperors (meaning Durbe, Alito, and Girag) eventually started agreeing with her, saying that they felt kind of bad and would apologize to Hector later. Nasch, however, stated that since Hector looks exactly like me, what he was really laughing at was the idea of me in a dress, and then the whole vicious cycle started up again.

So, yeah. Honestly, I'm not sure why I don't just kill him now. It would certainly make things easier. And, as it turns out, that embarrassing debacle wasn't even the end of my problems.

* * *

><p><strong>2649. Runaway<strong>

It was pretty late by the time I got back to my room after that, sometime around two in the morning, actually, so I decided to go to Hector's room and make sure he was okay... while hopefully getting him to swear revenge against Nasch for this insult.

He wasn't there. Confused, I tried looking in all the hiding places someone his size could fit into, but he just wasn't in the room. I ran and checked the library, but he wasn't there, either, and the gardener hadn't seen him all day. At that point, I realized that, for the first time, he was actually missing.

I eventually decided that my pride could not get any more thoroughly thrashed, so I grudgingly asked Merag for help. She has this nifty ability to sense other Barians no matter where they are, but it takes a lot out of her. Therefore, she said that the price of this particular favor would be quite steep, and it was; she made me grovel at her feet and praise her beauty, which I only did because I didn't want to lose the significant investment of my time and resources I'd made by creating Hector. Even so, it took me two days to actually grit my teeth and do it, by the end of which time my troublemaking clone still hadn't come back.

Turns out, Hector was actually somewhere on Earth, hiding out in the middle of a big city. We Emperors are the only Barians with the ability to teleport between dimensions, but the uncivilized homo sapiens that populate that disgusting ball of dirt are so beneath us that none of us have ever deigned it necessary to go there. Thus, I was not relishing having to teleport there to chase after my misbehaving clone, but nobody else wanted to go, and Nasch said it was my responsibility to look after Hector, anyway, so there was really no getting out of it.

The last time any of us even observed Earth from our own world was… a lot of years ago, and back then, they were still living in tents and riding camels, so I honestly wasn't expecting the city that I ultimately found myself in to be so bustling. The buildings were all packed together, much like the city on Barian, but they were kind of rectangle-shaped and only ten stories at the most. There were strange pathways between buildings where horses pulled people along in carriages; every once in a while, some strange machine would come rolling down the street on its own, making all kinds of ear-splitting noises, but these were few and far between (thank Don Thousand). However, the most immediately annoying aspect of the city was the humans that crowded the sidewalks, moving constantly forward like a school of fish and jostling me around so much that I randomly kicked one of them in the shin out of sheer frustration.

The man started screaming at me, calling me a "dirty Irish" and motioning towards some big burly guy dressed in all blue with a funny hat and a big stick. I really wasn't in the mood for a fight, since Barians can't use their powers on Earth, so I beat it. Once I was sufficiently far away from funny-hat man (whom I heard referred to by a seedy-looking bum as "da fuzz"), I stopped for a minute to inspect my own reflection in a shop window. My original reasoning was that I had to know what my human form looked like so I'd be able to find Hector, but once I actually saw myself, I kind of forgot about that.

For some reason, my human form looked a lot younger than it should have. My hair was pretty much the same, but it was bright orange, ridiculously so, and I was wearing really strange clothes: a white button-down shirt, rolled up at the sleeves, with black pants that cut off just below my knees, long grey tubes of wool called "socks," weird black laced shoes, and some grey wool thing with no sleeves which I found out later was called a "vest." I honestly didn't understand why I was wearing so much clothing since it was getting pretty hot, so I took off the shirt and vest but was forced to put them back on when some lady screamed and I had another run-in with da fuzz.

Merag had told me what street to find Hector on, but in the chaos of my multiple high-speed chases, I forgot completely, so I ultimately ended up wandering around aimlessly, hoping to run into him. I was surprised that I was actually able to read the words on the signs, but that didn't help me figure out what any of them meant. By the time I got to Broadway (which isn't very broad, if you ask me), I'd had a little… incident… that left me rather beat-up, and I was so tired that I kind of just flopped down onto a bench and sat there until another "fuzz" told me to move. I was about to give up entirely when I was suddenly approached by a man with a magnificent moustache, who asked me if I still had any copies of the Times. I asked him what the heck he was talking about, and he said he'd seen me hawking newspapers earlier in the day but hadn't had any change at the time.

Sensing a breakthrough, I told him that the newspaper boy he'd seen earlier was actually my younger brother, and asked where he'd seen him last. The mustachioed man was all too happy to give me an address, so I ran back through the streets (which I was getting pretty good at navigating by that point), scanning the crowds for orange hair.

The curiously blue sky was starting to get dark by the time I spotted him; he had his hair mostly hidden under a grey wool cap, and he was dressed in a similar fashion to me, though instead of a vest, he had a black jacket that was probably even hotter than my multiple layers. He was standing under a pole with a candle on top, surrounded by a couple of human boys, holding bundles of paper and shouting "Extra! Extra!," looking thoroughly ridiculous.

Using my ninja skillz, I snuck up on him from behind and pulled him into a nearby alley, whereupon I gave him a good spank and asked him what the heck he was doing. I hate to admit it, but I felt… kinda bad… I mean, he started tearing up and whimpering, like a scared puppy or something. A little less harshly, I asked him what happened, and he suddenly pulled me into a hug and started sobbing into my shoulder. "I - I was just playing with Iris," he whimpered, "and we were playing a game where the knight has to rescue the princess… I was the knight, b- but after a couple of times, Iris said she wanted a turn at being the knight, too, so I… it wouldn't be fair if she didn't have a turn…" He sniffled. "But then Uncle Nasch and everybody else started laughing at me, and you looked so scary, so I… I decided to run away and never come back!"

I pushed him off of me and rolled my eyes. "Well, if you're never coming back, then you should quit whining and get back to selling papers."

Hector let out a cry and grabbed me again, wrapping his arms around me so hard that I had trouble breathing. "I'm sorry, Daddy!" he cried. "I wanna go home! I promise I'll never run away again!"

That was exactly the reaction I wanted, but I made a show of considering. After a while, I told him if he used some of his paper money to get me some food (I hadn't really eaten much at lunch), then we'd go home. We ended up eating some gross slimy thing called "oysters" that I will never, ever eat again before teleporting back to Barian World, where Hector received many apologies from the other Emperors… except Nasch. So he's getting a point for that, and for the "incident" that happened to me before I made it to Broadway:

* * *

><p><strong>2650. I Stepped Out Into the Street and Got Run Over by a Trolley<strong>

At least I think it was called a trolley, from what the humans around me were saying. Somebody called it a "streetcar," but the specifics don't matter as much as the fact that it hurt like the dickens.

I am never going back to Earth again if I can help it.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Sorry for the really long chapter, guys. And the random 1800s New York. And Sargas. Fun fact, his name actually means "seizer," so I thought it fitting for an evil tax man.<strong>

**I actually got a lot of Hector suggestions this time… I guess that means at least some of you like him? I honestly wasn't initially planning on including him this much, but he's starting to grow on me. Now I'm kind of getting sad that he's going to grow up soon… *sniff* Sorry, I need a minute… *runs off***

**Hector: *smiles adorably* Thank you to Girl with the Fireheart for 2646, FANatic Guest for 2647, Charolette Ink for 2648, Don Thousand for 2649, and The Little Black ROse for 2650; it wasn't a truck, exactly, but a trolley's close enough, right? Anyway, I had lots of fun, and I made a new friend, so thanks, everybody! If you have any more suggestions, please give them to P.I.-san. Pretty please?**


	8. Points 10571-10575

**10571. Pets (Part II)**

It's been a long time since I first decided to hide Bingo in the library, and I'd say the whole secrecy thing had a good run, but I always knew this was inevitable: yesterday, Nasch found out about Bingo. Well, actually, Durbe found him first, but he tattled on me so quickly that I didn't even realize what was happening before Nasch stormed into my room, livid. He was all like, "I told you to get rid of that thing I-don't-know-how-many years ago," so I told him it was somewhere around two thousand and he flipped out. He must have been having a worse-than-usual day, because the damage in this case has kind of already been done, but he just went nuts, ranting and raving about how I've got to respect his authority. It was actually a little weird, to be honest, so I started to get the feeling that something was up.

Turns out Merag had another freaky vision of the world falling apart, so Nasch was a little on edge. There still hasn't been any evidence of this global doom actually happening yet, but if the local prophetess has the same dream twice, you know you're in trouble. I personally couldn't care less if the world gets destroyed, but I can see why that would be a problem for others.

Anyway, Nasch was so out of control that Alito managed to hear him from three rooms away and got all the others to come to my room, presumably to watch us duke it out. But by the time they all got there, Nasch's anger had kind of fizzled out, so there wasn't anything interesting for them to see. They did, however, arrive just in time to hear Nasch gripe that out of all the troublemakers around here, I am the only one that he would never want to have a pet, ever.

They apparently took that to mean that they're all allowed to have crazy exotic pets.

Now, don't get me wrong: I love chaos. I revel in it like Hector rolling around in a field of flowers. But this... it just got to be too much.

Alito, not surprisingly, was the first one to go totally overboard on this stupid idea. He started prowling around the Great Plains, and when questioned, he'd say that he was going to catch a lion to have as a pet. Of course, we all knew there was no way that was gonna happen, but we let him go. I'm pretty sure we were all either looking forward to or curious about how badly he'd fail. I personally bet the lion would eat him; Merag guessed he'd end up with a couple of pretty bad scratches. Turns out he couldn't even _find_ one, so he ended up bringing back a monkey instead. I thought it was appropriate.

Girag's choice of pet was considerably less creative; he found a raccoon picking through the garbage and decided to take it in. I mean, it's like he didn't even try. If you're gonna p*ss off Nasch, you gotta go all the way.

Durbe didn't really want a pet at first, because he still legitimately respects Nasch's leadership, but Merag eventually cajoled him into getting one somehow. I'm not sure what kind of rational explanation she bribed him with, but it must have been a pretty good one to get Sir Bores-alot to try something slightly mischievous. Now, I really don't know what went into the process of finding a pet for him, since I don't (always) make it my business to stalk Durbe, but he came into the palace one day leading a white, stumpy, unbelievably fat Shetland pony behind him on a leash. And he did it with a completely straight face, so I actually respected him a little bit more because of that. But only a little bit. Mostly I was just laughing at the fat pony.

Obviously, Mizael didn't get a pet; I mean, he's got a flipping dragon. So that left only Merag, and I hate to admit it, but she did a mighty fine job picking a pet that would totally tick Nasch off. Unfortunately, it ended up ticking me off, too, so this is where we get to the real reason for this point.

One day, totally out of the blue, she brought home a penguin. Yes, that's right; a freaking penguin.

Now, the flightless bird itself wasn't the problem. Aside from making weird squawking noises and being generally fluffy and adorable, the thing wasn't that much of a bother. But penguins apparently require a lot of very specific environmental factors in order to remain healthy, so Merag decided those requirements had to be met.

I woke up the next morning to a winter wonderland inside the palace, complete with snow-covered firs and ice-covered floors. I had to ice-skate just to get to the bathroom. It was a total bloody disaster. And to top it all off, the freaking monkey, raccoon, and pony were sliding around everywhere, screeching, neighing, and... making whatever noises raccoons make. Bingo and Hector were both scared to leave the library, and after an hour or two, I had a splitting headache and some murderous inclinations. Nothing got done that day, and Nasch eventually got so fed up that all of the animals (except Bingo) were rudely evicted.

So, even though Nasch and I both felt the brunt of this one, it was his slip-up that ultimately led to the Menagerie of Disaster, so he's getting a point.

* * *

><p><strong>10572. Tentacles<strong>

Now, it's been a while since anything weird's happened around here. And by "weird," I don't mean the type of weird as seen in Point 10571: that's more like normal idiocy. I mean the type of weird that is truly strange, almost verging on the this-should-not-be-possible type of weird. It's been at least a couple of years since we've had anything of that level going on. But today, well… what happened today was f***ing weird. Not gonna lie.

I was wandering around the shores of the Sea of Ill Intent, minding my own business, when something... slimy suddenly grabbed my leg. Now, I'm a pretty emotionally stoic guy, and it takes a whole heck of a lot to freak me out. I reacted calmly; I totally did not scream like a girl and writhe around in the sand, yelling "get-it-off-get-it-off-oh-my-Don-Thousand-get-it-off!" Anyone who tells you I did is a LIAR.

Anyway, upon further calm and collected inspection, I discovered that the thing grabbing my leg was a long, black tentacle. Whatever it was attached to was still hidden by the water- er, acid, and frankly, I wanted it to stay there. But unfortunately, it started using my leg to pull itself out and up onto the beach. Now, I want to state again, for the record, that I did not scream like a little girl when a big black glob of mystery material slid out of the acid like some kind of disgusting oil spill.

Luckily, as soon as the thing made it onto the beach, it let go of my leg and kind of flopped around, the black, jelly-like substance eventually condensing into something resembling a head, arms, legs, and torso. After a couple of tense minutes, silent except for the gross squelching sounds the thing was making as it metamorphosed, I found myself face-to-face with the freakiest little pitch-black kid with tentacles I have ever seen. Okay, the _only_ little pitch-black kid with tentacles I have ever seen.

Surprisingly, he (it?) was able to speak Barian-ese (though not very well). Actually, he was so bad that I had to listen to him tell me his "hovercraft [was] full of eels" five times before I managed to get the word "name" through his thick, squishy skull. Apparently, he calls himself "Black Mist," which is really the most flattering description of his inky tentacles that I can imagine. It took him about twenty minutes to tell me that he wanted to see Nasch, at which point I was only too happy to drop him off on his slimy hide in the throne room and promptly get the heck away from there to deep-clean my fingernails and take a shower hot enough to burn eggs.

I assumed Mist would go back to the hell-hole he crawled out of after talking to his tentacle-headed distant relative, but I went to supper that day to find him sitting at the table with an impish grin on his face, chatting it up with Hector in very broken but much improved Barian-ese. When I questioned why in the freaking frack the disgusting little Jellyfish from the Black Lagoon was still defiling our living space, Nasch told me it was because he's going to be staying with us for a few days. Apparently, Merag said he's going to play some kind of role in Barian World's future fate, so we should be nice to him, but honestly, I do not give a rat's hairy a$$; I just want the freaky thing OUT. OF. HERE. *shudder*

But since no one ever agrees with me, Mist is staying. And that means a big ole point for you-know-who.

* * *

><p><strong>10573. Awkward Question<strong>

Alright, so it's been, what, eight years? Since I first got Hector out of the Barian crystal, I mean. So that makes him eighteen, right? I honestly keep forgetting, because he still acts like a freaking twelve-year-old. He finally looks exactly like me, but he's still so clumsy that there's no way I'd be able to pass him off as me, at least not around any of the other Emperors. I guess he'll make a useful body double if I ever need to dupe a naive stranger with the intelligence of a goat.

Anyway, I say all that to tell you that Hector really isn't a little kid anymore. So he shouldn't be asking the kinds of dumb questions that little kids ask. But, as I'm sure you're well aware by now, nothing in my life ever follows such standard rules of the universe as what 'should' be.

This one is actually Mist's fault; he and Hector apparently got to talking. The little tentacle-creature is a first class troublemaker, so I'm sure he was plotting this from the beginning, the slimy twerp. Hector mentioned his 'daddy' in conversation, and the Evil Jellyfish immediately asked the one question I'd successfully struggled to keep anyone from asking him for eight years: "who your mother is?" (His grammar's still terrible.)

Naturally, Hector didn't know. And I wasn't about to tell him, either. Even though he technically doesn't have a mother, I did have to use a skin cell from Merag to create him... it's a sad fact that I've frankly been trying to forget. And even though he may not act very mature, Hector has my brains, so he knows that his mitochondria had to come from somewhere. Normally, this would be a very easy problem to solve: I could just refuse to tell him. However, circumstances at the time were not exactly ideal.

Hector decided to ask me who his mother was in front of all of the others.

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, I could feel Nasch's eyes on me. He was so suspicious, it hurt. Obviously, there was no way I'd live to see another second if I told Hector the truth, and my chances of making it until morning were not good if I dodged the question. I knew I had to lie, but if I just named some random woman, Nasch, in his paranoia, would undoubtedly investigate. And that could have been troublesome.

Under significant pressure, I went with the first thing that came to mind. So I told Hector that his "mommy" was actually Mizael.

I could've weighed my options a little more before I did that, I think. Eh, hindsight is 20/20, amirite?

Anyway, Hector's intelligence must come and go in spurts, because he actually believed me and ran over to give a certain steaming dragon tamer a hug. Well, in his defense, I think we all, deep down, harbor this suspicion that Blondie is just a flat-chested girl; I mean, how can any man have such luxurious hair?

But for some reason, Mizael got really offended. It's not like any of us would judge her or anything. I even told her that, but within a second I was somehow half-inside Tachyon's mouth. Needless to say, I will be scrubbing dragon spit out of my sarong for weeks.

So because Nasch's presence forced me to tell that fib in the first place, I'm going to blame him.

But it was totally worth it to see the look on Miza-chan's face. I regret nothing.

* * *

><p><strong>10574. Black-Out<strong>

I've been saying this whole time how much I hate Black Mist, right? Just wanted to make sure. And in case I didn't, I'll say it again: I freaking hate Black Mist.

Here's the dealio; the gross tentacle-kid has done nothing but cause trouble since he washed up on the beach like a retarded jellyfish. Normally, I'm totally down with causin' trouble and stickin' it to the man, but not when I get caught up in it. I mean, nobody likes having a sh*tty day because some punk-a** tentacled Jell-O was messing around, right? You can't really blame me for getting upset.

Anyway, from breakfast to around eight at night, yesterday was pretty normal. Durbe pretended to do paperwork, Nasch half-heartedly ordered people around, and I harassed Merag (I think it was "hide-all-her-personal-hygiene-items-in-random-places" day). However, about ten minutes after we all finished eating dinner, our normal routine was rudely interrupted.

The power suddenly went out. Everywhere.

Now, it might've been okay if it was just the lights that shut off. Nobody around here has any fear of the dark or anything. But _everything_ stopped working, which means the showers, TV, refrigerator, and even the freaking toaster were rendered completely useless. There has never been a day in all my life when I've felt such a crippling toast-lessness as I did that night.

So, suffice it to say, the whole palace was thrown into chaos. Alito and Girag stumbled around in the dark like blind retarded loonies, flailing around and knocking into every single breakable thing in the building. Durbe somehow lost his glasses (which he usually doesn't wear because he keeps insisting that he doesn't need them, but really he can barely see five feet in front of him) in the hubbub, so he was doubly blind. He panicked and just kind of huddled in a corner, and it ended up taking Merag cooing, Nasch yelling, and Mizael standing around indifferently for almost an hour to get him out of his stupor. And, of course, I felt kind of lost without my late-night toast, so I wasn't able to fully take advantage of the opportunity to mess things up.

However, there was one person who did exactly that. Yes, it was exactly who you think it was. During the mass confusion, Black Mist went around and wrapped toilet paper all over everything before lathering Super Glue on all the doorknobs. My hand will be sticky for weeks.

Luckily, Nasch was able to catch the culprit in the act when he tried to staple his cape to the ceiling (if there's one good thing to be said about that purple jerk, it's that he won't fall for the same trick twice). Mist was promptly booted out of Barian World, and I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope we never see him again.

We still don't know exactly how he managed to cut the power, but everybody's too busy removing toilet paper from the furniture to investigate. And honestly, the one who's really to blame here is Nasch. I mean, he _is_ the one who decided to let the little menace stay here in the first place.

Actually, though, I'm glad toilet paper and glue was all that happened, because it really could have been much worse. I'm just glad the tentacle-brat didn't nail my door shut.

* * *

><p><strong>10575. ...That Last Sentence? Yeah, It Was a Lie. My Door's Been Nailed Shut.<strong>

I mean, seriously. SERIOUSLY. NAILS. WHERE THE FLYING F*** DID THAT KID GET NAILS?! Or a hammer, for that matter?! I mean, SERIOUSLY! F***ing d***!

…how do I even remove these things?!

…this is SO getting a point.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So sorry for the really long wait, guys, but I have a legitimate excuse. I was in Kentucky, and I didn't have Internet access.<strong>

**So say hello and goodbye to Black Mist! It always seemed to me like Vector really did not like him at all (the fact that he had to humiliate himself to "serve" Mist is probably the reason for that), so I figured it'd be fun to have Mist grate on Veccy's nerves here a little bit. Also, because of a certain someone's purple hair, Vector seems to have developed an aversion to tentacles.**

**Special thanks to Girl with the Fireheart for 10571, FANactic Guest for 10572, Adelhide for 10573, and Durbe the Barian for 10574. And, as always, GIVE ME YOUR SUGGESTIONS! I NEED THEM LIKE I NEED TOAST. AND I REALLY, REALLY NEED TOAST.**


	9. Points 801341-801345

**801341. Dating**

Alright, so, remember how Hector started getting all buddy-buddy with that Iris chick a couple years ago (well, okay, a lot of years ago)? I... alright, I screwed up. I turned a blind eye to their friendship, thinking that if I ignored it long enough, it would inevitably go away. But I was wrong. So wrong, and now I'm paying for it.

Yesterday, Hector approached me with all the formality and jittery nervousness of a prison guard who fell asleep and let all the serial murderers escape. At first I thought he was gonna tell me he broke the toaster, but it turned out to be much worse. And that's not something I say lightly.

Hector, my clone, literally bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh, asked me if he could go on a date. With Iris.

I actually didn't believe him the first time he asked, so he had to repeat himself. And I didn't believe him that time, either, so he ultimately ended up asking me thirty-two times before it finally hit me. And when it did, it hit hard, like a sucker-punch to the gut. I think I was actually out of breath.

Unfortunately, I was so enraged that it took me almost an hour to find the words to express it, by which time Hector had apparently had the good sense to sneak away and just take my silence as a "yes." Once I realized he was gone, I exploded. There was no way in HELL that any clone of mine was going to hook up with Merag's lookalike! I told myself that I would ruin their date or die trying and flew out of my room like it was on fire.

Luckily, I already had a few ideas about where to look... Hector's smart enough to avoid going on a date on my turf, so he'd probably pick somewhere he knows I don't like to go. Number one on that list would be the ice sculpture garden in the middle of Merag's territory, so I decided to start there.

But when I got there, instead of Hector, I found Nasch. And he was _pissed_. As soon as he caught sight of me, he stomped over and pushed me up against a giant ice sculpture that looked kind of like a cow. "WHERE ARE THEY?!" he frothed, a look of wild rage in his eyes. "Don't play dumb, I know you're behind this!"

Well, believe me, I would have liked to have been, but unfortunately, I wasn't. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, but he just slammed me up against the ice again, causing a few large cracks this time, and yelled, "Don't give me that bullsh*t! I know you sent that clone of yours to seduce Iris!"

It took a moment or two for his words to sink in, but once they did, it was really hard to keep from laughing. I guess Nasch can be just as overprotective of Iris as he is of Merag. The fact that he totally had the wrong idea about Hector made it even funnier.

I must have looked like I was suppressing a laugh, because Nasch snapped and tried to punch a hole in my face. Thankfully, I was able to dodge in time, but the ice sculpture wasn't so lucky. The whole thing shattered with a beautiful crash, and, seizing my chance, I leapt at Nasch and tackled him to the ground.

The two of us rolled around through the sculpture garden, kicking and clawing and smashing each other into things for what seemed like only seconds but was probably more like twenty minutes, until suddenly we were both slammed flat against the ground by a huge slab of ice. I felt a blast of cold that sent a chill down my spine, and struggled to raise my head, only to find myself staring up at a very angry Merag. "Both of you," she said slowly, in a frigid tone, "need to chill the f*** out." It was the first time I've ever heard her say that word, so I knew we were in trouble.

So, yeah. In order to appease the furious Ice Queen, Nasch and I had to apologize nicely to each other and even... dare I say it... share a hug. By the time I finally managed to get away, the day was almost over, and Hector had already returned home from his date, which he says went splendidly. They've even planned a second one for sometime in the near future.

Well isn't that just fan-tucking-fastic.

Oh yeah, Nasch is definitely getting a point for this.

* * *

><p><strong>801342. Babysitting<strong>

So, it turns out the world might be ending after all. And no, I'm not joking.

Merag had yet another vision a few days ago, and then suddenly this crazy planet-wide earthquake came up out of nowhere and really shook things up.

Ha ha. Get it? "Shook things up?"... No? Aw, screw you.

Anyway, everybody was kinda freaked out by that, so Nasch, Merag, Durbe, and Mizael decided to go out and start assessing the damage. That left me alone in the palace with Girag and Alito.

I may have mentioned this before, but Alito has the attention span of a goldfish and is very easily bored. Over the years, he's gotten better at bothering people into doing stuff with him, but I usually just deflect him to someone else. However, today there was no one else available for him to annoy, so I ended up getting stuck basically babysitting him all day until the others came back. And it was not fun. At all.

The first thing on Alito's mind is always either boxing or dueling, and because he has little imagination, he thinks about nothing else until he has engaged in one of those two things. However, for some strange reason, Girag didn't really feel like boxing with him for the five billionth time, so he made me do it instead. And honestly, I don't really have enough arm strength to indulge that rabid nutcase for more than twenty minutes. I'm really more of a taekwondo person myself, anyway.

So I ended up lying on the floor in a puddle of worn-out muscles while Alito bounced off the walls, going totally nut-balls and breaking things. And of course, when Nasch and the others got back, good old tentacle-head immediately blamed me. I realize that whatever dire stuff they found out there probably put him in a bad mood, but come on. It's not very often that the palace is a mess and I'm actually innocent. Would it kill him to believe me just this once?!

* * *

><p><strong>801343. Mysterious (Annoying) Stranger<strong>

Anyway, when Nasch and the others did come back from their investigating, they were dragging a big brown sack with them. And it was moving and making noises.

Now, usually this is the kind of weird sh*t that I'd be doing, so I was a little miffed and more than curious as to what was in the bag and why they'd kidnapped some kind of large animal in the first place. Merag got all huffy and started saying that she didn't want anything to do with this "barbarism;" apparently she felt sorry for whatever they had in there, but not sorry enough to set the poor thing free. Durbe placed a comforting hand on her shoulder (that jacka**!), told her that it was a necessary evil, and said that interrogating "him" could help save the world and all that jazz.

As soon as I realized that whatever was in the bag was sentient enough to warrant a personal pronoun from Durbe, I got really, really excited. They were talking about interrogating, after all, so I saw it as a chance to do some state-approved torturing. Unfortunately, Nasch wouldn't let me take the bag back to my room, so I had to watch him open it with the rest of them.

Out tumbled a human man, an adult by the look of him, and pretty big, too. The guy looked like your typical rugged mountain man, and he was kinda scratched up. He must've tried to put up a fight, though obviously no human could ever stand a chance in a mano-y-Bariano fistfight. Still, I had to give him credit for trying.

Of course, it was pretty surprising that a human would be wandering around Barian world at all. I mean, as far as I know, those guys don't have the ability to teleport between dimensions. And no matter how low my opinion of Nasch, I couldn't imagine him or any of the others just popping over to Earth and kidnapping a random mountain man for the lulz.

When I asked about it, Durbe explained that they found the guy near the epicenter of the earthquake; apparently, he'd fallen through some kind of inter-dimensional portal. Merag thought it might be connected to all her creepy apocalyptic visions, but when they tried to talk to him, Mizael and Nasch got a little… impatient. Essentially, they spooked the guy, so he tried to run away and they had to shove him in a sack.

Honestly, I was intrigued. Not because this guy might help us "save the world" or whatever, but because I'd never gotten to rough up a human before. I wanted to question him so badly, and the others must have finally remembered how good I am at squeezing people for info, so they reluctantly handed Mr. Mountain Man over to me, provided Merag kept an eye on me to make sure I didn't go too far. Obviously that took a little wind out of my sails, but I was still pretty excited, so I dragged him down to the basement and pulled out my toolbox.

For whatever reason, the guy didn't seem quite as excited as I was. I had to strap him to a folding chair just to keep him from knocking my lights out - he seemed to like throwing punches. I told him to calm down and introduced myself, adding in a little "jyan jyan jyaaan ~" for emphasis. By that point, he'd settled down a little, so he eyed me warily, like a dingo caught in a trap. I asked him his name, and he said something Japanese. I didn't quite catch it at first, so I had him repeat it a couple more times until he started to get annoyed.

Turns out the guy's name is Kazuma Tsukumo. When I asked him what he did for a living, all he could tell me was that he liked "adventure," so I just kinda assumed he's homeless and bumming it. He explained to me that he fell through some kind of dimensional portal at the world's end (which is stupid, since Earth is spherical and doesn't have an end), and that he wanted to get back home and see his family. That wasn't much more than what the others had already found out, so I decided to press him a little more, this time using a little friend of mine I like to call Hitler, the mutated goldfish (courtesy of the Sea of Ill Intent).

In what I can only describe as a happy coincidence, the poison from the fangs of a mutated goldfish turns out to have the effect of making humans talk. Unfortunately, it turns out that Kazuka didn't have anything meaningful to say after all. He just blabbered on and on and on about the most idiotic things, like adventure, his kids, his smokin' hot wife, adventure, archaeology, dueling, adventure, rock-climbing, adventure, and "feeling the flow!" It was so annoying that Merag, who'd been watching quietly up until that point, told me to make it stop, that I was hurting him or something. I told her no, she had it backwards, but the guy just never shut up! After twenty minutes or so, he got to the point where he was just repeating "feeling the flow" over and over and over, so I lost it and hit him over the head with a nearby lamp.

Needless to say, Merag didn't really approve of that, so she called in Nasch and I got a scolding. We weren't sure what to do with the useless Kazoo, though, so we ended up throwing him down a random dimensional portal and hoping that it would take him back to Earth.

So while I'm glad to have that jabber-jay out of my hair, I don't think it's fair that I got yelled at for doing what needed to be done and knocking him out. I mean, come on. I could've done a lot worse. Believe me… I could've done A LOT worse.

* * *

><p><strong>801344. Another Boring Meeting<strong>

Well, after that whole mess with Kenny or whatever that human's name was, Alito rushed in yelling about Durbe and Mizael calling an emergency meeting. So of course we had to go meet up with everyone in the conference room, and since Nasch was standing two feet away from me, there was no way I could slip away unseen. I've already gone into great detail about how much I hate these stupid meetings, so I won't repeat it here.

However, when we actually got to the conference room, I was in for a bit of a surprise. Durbe and Mizael had apparently rescued another human dude after I left to interrogate Kazuma, so they had him in a chair and were trying to keep him conscious. This guy was in pretty bad shape; he was bleeding everywhere, and the whole left side of his face was torn off.

Now, I would've maybe asked him who he was and what he was doing here before rushing into anything, but the others continue to be unbelievably stupid, so they started working on fixing him up. The task turned out to be harder than they thought, so they ended up having to scale him back a bit, by which I mean turn him into a little kid. Don't ask me how Barian medicine works, because I don't know, and I don't really care to find out, either.

Anyway, they couldn't quite fix his face, so now it kinda looks like a black hole or something swirling around over there. If I were him, I'd be pissed. I mean, there's no way he'll be able to pick up any chicks with that ugly mug. And apparently his friend Kaz's wife is pretty hot, so it really is a shame.

While the guy healed, the others all went out to pick up various medicinal supplies and try to figure out a way to get him back to where he belonged, leaving me alone with him. They really ought to know better by now.

To be honest, despite my bad experience with our last human visitor, I was still a little curious as to what the heck had happened to this guy. Mostly I wanted to see what could've torn half his face off, because that seems like it would be pretty useful knowledge to have. So I woke him up as nicely as I could manage and asked him his story. Turns out, some other human basically pushed him and Kazuma into a dimensional rift, which would explain where his face went. He told me his name was Byron Arclight, and he seemed pretty bent on revenge, so I figured this could work out in my favor. First I told him that if he was gonna return to Earth as an avenging space-Maximus, he needed a cooler name than "Byron," so we mixed up random Scrabble letters until we ended up with "Vetrix," for a total of sixteen points. Then I offered to give him wicked-cool Barian powers… for a small fee, of course.

Now, there's not really much that I'd want from a human; their whole world is pretty crappy. However, we found out recently that some pretty powerful Duel Monsters cards got scattered there; according to Merag, these "Numbers" could help save the world or whatever. I honestly don't care if the world gets saved or not, but I really wish everybody would get off my back about it, so the sooner we gather those babies up, the better. Unfortunately, we can't really interact with the human world in our true forms, so it'd be a pain in the butt for us to go look around for them. So I told Vetrix that I'd give him some sweet-a** Barian crest thingies if he went there and got a bunch of them for me. Might as well, right?

He was so excited that he went and rushed off before the others could even get back, which unfortunately prevented them from finding out about how productive I'd just been. So of course Nasch yelled at me for losing our "guest." Honestly, every time I actually get some work done, no one is ever there to see it. And Nasch wonders why I'm not particularly motivated.

Oh, well. I didn't severely mess anything up this time, so I guess that's a good thing.

* * *

><p><strong>801345. I Severely Messed Something Up<strong>

Turns out, the interdimensional hole we dumped Kazuma down actually led to Astral World. So, we essentially delivered a prisoner into the hands of our mortal enemies. Now he has the potential to really screw things up for us.

Nasch chewed me out in a major way. I mean, he didn't stop me from throwing Kazzy down that hole, but whatever. I've come to expect this sort of thing from him, anyway.

I just hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the butt.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: And this chapter is finally finished! Woo-hoo! *falls over and dies*<strong>

**For some reason, things this time were really disjointed, so I had a hard time writing this chapter. (That's why it took so long). There were also a lot of suggestions that I couldn't fit in, so sorry about that. Still, I did have fun including Kazzy and Byron, though obviously we have now strayed into "glaring inconsistencies" territory. This is essentially a crackfic, though, so hopefully nobody cares… eh heh…**

**Big thank you to Zero228 for 801341, Durbe the Barian for 801342, and DarkAssassin21 for 801343. As always, give me your suggestions! I couldn't write this fic without you guys! (Also, we're kinda nearing the end, so get 'em in while you can!)**


	10. Points 900001-900005

**Warning: This chapter contains misunderstandings and Japanese-style nudity - however, it is nothing that would require an M rating. **

* * *

><p><strong>900001. Hot Springs<strong>

One of the most important things to remember about us Barian Emperors is that we work hard. Everybody's been putting in crazy hours recently, trying to figure out what's going on with these Numbers and preparing for an all-out war against Astral World (who, by the way, have just informed us that they plan to blow our planet to Hell). Obviously, this is something that should probably be prevented. Even I helped with some things.

...You can wipe that expression of utter shock and horror off your face now, thanks.

Anyway, we've all been slaving away recently, so Merag decided it was high time to pester Nasch into letting us all have a vacation. We may work hard, but we play hard, too, and even the stoic Durbe is well past his "I-need-to-go-to-a-gosh-dang-beach" point. And no matter how harshly I judge Nasch, he does seem to really care about his fellow incorrigible numbskulls, so he relented without putting up too much of a fuss. He even allowed both Hector and Iris to come along on our vacation, which even I could tell was a really, _really_ bad idea. But whatever... at that point, it was out of my hands.

We ended up going somewhere in Girag's territory, because we've already done the beach thing and there aren't many other good vacation spots on Barian. This place apparently had some kind of natural hot spring, so Merag thought it would be perfect for relaxation. I personally didn't see how sitting in a hole in the ground filled with boiling water being cooked alive like a frog in a pot could be considered relaxing, but truth be told, I'd been scheming pretty hard and needed that vacation as much as the rest of them, so I didn't feel like bothering to complain.

And so, the seven of us (plus Hector and Iris) all headed out to the sticks to chill out for a couple of days. Hector apparently took the vacation as a chance to go on some romantic outings with Iris, which I was none too happy about and did my best to sabotage. But I ended up failing rather embarrassingly, so we're not going to go into that. He's somehow gotten wise to most of my tricks, and even managed to counter with a few of his own... *sniff* They grow up so fast...

For her part, Iris managed to keep Nasch from finding out about their little dates, so I do have to give her credit for that. Though she's way nicer than Merag, she does seem to have a bit of that same ornery streak in her, which I appreciate... only when it's being used to deceive Nasch.

Anyway, the rest of us mostly hung out and kicked back. Nasch and I somehow got into a vicious ping-pong battle from which I was certain only one of us would emerge alive, but we were ultimately interrupted by Alito popping in to yell about going to the springs. So of course we had to go, if only to make sure he didn't end up accidentally drowning himself.

By the time we got there, Durbe, Mizael, and Girag were already in the locker room, so Nasch and Alito started chatting it up with them, leaving me to stand around awkwardly. Obviously that was something I didn't really feel like doing, so I peeled off my sarong, wrapped a towel around my waist and heading for the hot springs.

Now, for whatever reason, I seem to always have difficulties understanding signage. Even though I do know how to read formal glyphs, the writing in Girag's territory has some kind of weird regional differences, so it really doesn't look anything like what I'm used to. I did eventually find the sign for what I thought was the men's side, though, so I waltzed into the empty enclosure, let my towel drop, and swan-dived right into the steaming water.

Turns out the actual hot spring is pretty shallow, so I ended up hitting my head on a rock and knocking myself out. When I came to, I was behind some kind of decorative rock pile, and I could hear voices. They were not, however, male voices. Oh, no... in fact, they were very female, painfully familiar voices.

In that moment, I realized two things. One: I had somehow accidentally strayed into the women's side of the hot springs. Two: said hot springs were currently occupied by Iris and Merag.

Now, before you get the wrong idea, I want to make something clear: I AM NOT A PERV. I may be all other kinds of evil under the suns, but slobbering stupidly over women is beneath me. In fact, it embarrasses me somewhat to say this, but I... can be a little prudish. Blame it on some past bad experiences with nudity.

Anyway, the gist of it is that I was in a place that I really did not want to be in, and the hot water only served to make me even more uncomfortable. I couldn't take waiting until they left, so I hastened to figure out some kind of escape route. Then I'd sneak out like a ninja, without anyone seeing me or me seeing anything. Easy-peasy.

Of course, I ought to know by now that nothing I do ever goes as planned.

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><p><strong>900002. Hot Springs Part II<strong>

As the chatting of Merag filled my ears, I started looking around frantically, the powerful computation machine that is my brain briefly short-circuited by the many implications and complexities of the situation at hand. After a few moments, I felt able to fully understand the circumstances; as things stood, I was crouched behind a decorative rock pile in a corner of the actual spring area, about five feet away from the bamboo walls of the enclosure. My towel was somewhere out of sight, therefore out of reach and also useless. The walls themselves were too tall to climb over, and I knew that if I tried to fly over them I'd get caught.

Just as I realized this, I started to notice that Merag's voice was getting closer. By that point, I could even hear the quiet splashing sounds she was making as she moved through the water. I don't remember what she was saying word-for-word, but I'm pretty sure it was something along the lines of "Ooh, what a pretty decorative rock pile! I wonder if there's anything behind it…"

By that point, my heart was pounding ridiculously and I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. Honestly, I really don't appreciate when my body decides to have natural reactions to things without my consent. Still, I somehow managed to notice the one thing that would save me: a small hole in the back wall, just wide enough for me to fit through if I was desperate. And I was pretty f***ing desperate.

I crawled through that hole as quickly and ninja-y as my soaked body and spazzing limbs would allow, escaping into the sweet confines of a nearby bush. I snuck a quick peek back the way I came, luckily only catching a glimpse of blue hair. Apparently, I was fast enough to be mistaken for a squirrel or something. Which is both a compliment and mildly insulting.

Anyway, with the crisis averted, I took a moment to lean back and sigh. As I did so, my hand brushed against something that felt suspiciously like flesh, and I jumped out of the bush with a start. Briefly forgetting, of course, that I was still belt-less.

As I grabbed a nearby frond, the bush rustled alarmingly. Immediately suspicious, I grabbed a stick and stabbed at it as viciously as I could. And sure enough, a scream of pain emanated from the leaves and a Barian I'd never seen before tumbled out.

Now, it was pretty obvious what he was up to. And it should be pretty obvious that I was not in the best of moods. So discovering Tom the Peeper here made me pretty damn pissed. And, as usually happens when I become pretty damn pissed, I grabbed the guy by the throat and hauled him into the woods so that the others wouldn't hear his screaming as I tortured the living daylights out of him. Sadly, the middle of the woods didn't have much for me to work with in terms of equipment, but I'm nothing if not creative.

During the course of our little therapeutic session, I found out that the guy's name was Alco. When I asked him nicely why he was watching my woman- err, the women like a disgusting creep, he had the nerve to tell me that it was his job! He called himself "The Barian Observer" or some sh*t like that. He also said that he had something very important to do, something that would be crucial to the plot, and even claimed that he didn't see anything, but honestly? Did he really think for even a second that he could get away with some bullsh*t excuse like that?!

Who the f*** did he think he was dealing with?! I'm VECTOR, b*tch! No one stalks me and my bumbling compatriots and gets away with it - NO ONE.

So, yeah. I f***ed him up _reeeaaallll good._ Barian Observer, my a$$. All that sack of crap will be "observing" now is the other side. Justice served for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! Jyan jyan jyaaaann ~ !

Unfortunately, the others never really got the full story on this Alco guy. So when Nasch found me naked in the middle of the woods trying to stuff what looked like a pretty dead body into a bush, he somehow wasn't too pleased. So that's where these two points come in: one for the hot-springs trip in the first place, and another one for accusing me of murdering a random passerby when he didn't even know the half of it. You guys know the drill by now.

And that's usually where this entry would end, but… well, something unusual happened, so I figured I should probably make a note of it.

First of all, I must be losing my edge, because it turns out that Alco the Barian Stalker wasn't quite dead after all. He will, however, probably spend the rest of his remaining life in prison, for, you know, being totally depraved. He's definitely not gonna contribute to the plot at all, that's for sure.

And who do we have to thank for that? For once, not me. Well, yeah, I actually caught the guy, but you know how much my word's worth around here, and Hector was out getting ready for a date with Iris, so even he couldn't vouch for me. So, as usual, nobody believed me.

Except, for Don-Thousand-knows what reason, Merag.

Maybe she did see me leaving the hot springs, maybe she had some kinda sixth-sense thing again, maybe she's just gullible. But for whatever reason, she kept Nasch from blowing me to smithereens and even… dare I say it? … took me at my word. When Al finally woke up, she even helped me pull a "good cop, really bad cop" routine and got him to spill the beans where the others could hear him.

And after the truth came to light, she... thanked me. For protecting her or something dumb like that. I told her not to get used to it, and she just laughed and said she wouldn't, that she knew me too well.

...What the heck is that supposed to mean?! Is she implying some kind of familiarity between us beyond just being Emperors?! Or does it just mean exactly what she said? ...Of course there's nothing deeper to it, I'm just overthinking. That tends to happen to extraordinarily brilliant people, you know.

But still… I…

...I'd better end this entry before any introspection happens. That would not be fun for you or me.

* * *

><p><strong>900003. Lady-ing<strong>

Alright, so, after the whole Alco incident calmed down, I found myself troubled by… thoughts that I didn't really want to be having. Thoughts that mostly centered on Merag.

So, to get my mind off of said thoughts, I decided I had to distract myself somehow. Unfortunately, nothing I tried seemed to work. I bugged the crap out of Mizar, Durbe, _and_ Nasch, and ended up with nothing to show for it but a slightly-lightning-bolt-singed sarong and some dragon saliva. I even tried pestering Hector about his now-official thing with Iris in the most immature ways possible, but it's nothing that I haven't done before and thus was not very effective. And of course I would never actually do my work unless the world was exploding beneath my feet, so I just wound up collapsing on the floor, not moving until Bingo started to lick / gnaw on my face. When I realized that I was just letting my own pet eat me, I knew I had to try something drastic, or I'd never get out of this funk.

The only thing that came to mind was to fight fire with fire. So I headed out to the city and set about wooing the hottest lady-woman I could find. Let's just say that being an Emperor does have its perks every once in a while; it wasn't too hard to find a hot chick willing to accompany me to lunch.

Said hot chick turned out to be a gorgeous grey-skinned long, cool Barian in a black dress named Bellatrix. I took her to that strudel place / deli in Naschville, and we chatted for a while, you know, makin' small talk. Turns out she enjoys being devious nearly as much as I do… we may have actually started to hit it off. Still, it wasn't enough to get those nagging thoughts out of my head, so I briefly visited the restroom to smack some sense into myself. I figured that I just hadn't spent enough time distracting myself yet, and that hanging out with Bellatrix a little longer would do the trick.

But when I re-entered the restaurant, I discovered that a third customer had invaded our table. This customer looked very interested in my date, and, much to my chagrin, she looked very interested in him. And this customer just so happened to be Nasch.

Some very complicated and awkward things happened after that, but let's just say that by the time he walked out of that restaurant, Nasch had Bellatrix hanging contentedly from his arm, while all I had was an injured pride and the bill for the sandwiches.

So, needless to say, my attempt at distracting myself backfired in the worst possible way. And, as usual, it was all Nasch's fault.

* * *

><p><strong>900004. Rap Battle<strong>

In case you haven't noticed, Nasch is getting pretty close to the one millionth point, which also means that I'm getting pretty close to my breaking point. The whole date-stealing incident isn't helping matters, either. I can't kill him now because that would mean I've been doing all this for nothing, but I just had to find a way to get back at him. So I scoured my closet, found a glove, stalked up to him, and threw it in his face.

Nasch, for some reason, seemed confused by this, so I told him I was challenging him to a duel. And not a card-game duel, either, despite the premise of the show. This would be a contest of honor, to prove once and for all which one of us was the better Barian. I knew it would be me, but Nasch didn't know that, so he accepted with a smirk and started warming up his lightning bolts.

However, before we could even start a scuffle, Merag showed up and froze our feet to the floor. She looked pretty pissed; apparently, she's fed up with our "stupid squabbles," and, according to her, there had to be a better way to go about settling our differences. We both explained to her that no, there really wasn't, but she was just so adamant that we ended up promising to find a non-violent way to duke it out, if only to get her to unfreeze our legs.

However, said non-violent contest was surprisingly difficult to come up with. Most of the ideas we tossed out there either were too boring or involved maiming each other, so Merag finally told us to stay put and pulled all the others into a huddle. Nasch and I could only sit and watch with trepidation as they argued amongst themselves, until finally, Hector came up with something that they all seemed to agree on. Returning to us with a smirk, Merag announced that we would settle things between us once and for all with… a rap battle.

Yes. You heard me. A rap battle.

We both protested heavily, of course, Nasch calling the idea stupid and me threatening to ground Hector for the rest of his life and then some, but alas, to no avail. The others were all watching intently, and we both knew that if one of us backed down, it would be seen as an admission of defeat. So we hunkered down and got ready to spin some serious rhymes.

However, there was just one problem: both of us totally suck at rapping.

Here is a brief sample of what went down:

_Nasch: You ready for this, jerk?_

_Me: I was born ready, a$$hat!_

_Nasch: I'm gonna wipe the floor with you!_

_Me: Then do it already!_

_Nasch: ...I will! _

_Me: Okay!_

_Nasch: ….._

_Me: ….._

_[Silence, except for background music and thumping bass]_

_Me: Hurry up and put your money where your mouth is!_

_Nasch: Don't f***ing rush me!_

_Merag: No cussing! Just start whenever you're ready._

_Nasch: ….fine._

_Me: …._

_Nasch: *inhales deeply* They call me the leader of the Barians, my lyrics'll blow your cranium! ….um…. uh…_

_Me: Oh, come on!_

_Nasch: I'm thinking! ...uh… umm…_

_Me: Pfft!_

_Nasch: Oh sure, like you can do any better!_

_Me: Hell yeah I can! That wasn't even slant rhyme!_

_Nasch: Well then, let's hear it!_

_Me: …...um._

_Nasch: I'm waiting…_

_Me: OH MY GOD SHUT THE F*** UP ALREADY!_

_Merag: NO CUSSING!_

_Me: Fine, here I go. *pauses* Uhh… I said a hip hop the hippie the hippie to the hip hip hop uh you don't stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat-_

_Nasch: Hey, that's cheating, you ***** *** ******!_

_Me: No it's not, you stupid **** with ***** and ****** ***** ***-_

_Merag: Break it up, you morons!_

So, yeah. Need I say more? At least I was able to rap something recognizable. But Merag ended up freezing us both up to the waist this time, and she didn't unfreeze us until we apologized nicely to each other.

And so, even though the rapping part wasn't necessarily his fault, all of this suffering definitely warrants giving Nasch at least a point.

* * *

><p><strong>900005. Aw, Who Am I Kidding? That One Was Worth Two Points.<strong>

To think, I stooped so low as to quote the Sugar Hill Gang. *shudder* Never again…

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><p><strong>Author's Note: That chapter was certainly… interesting. I think it's important to note that any scenes involving hot springs do not necessarily reflect the author's personal views or opinions, and that this fic shouldn't be taken too seriously, anyway.<strong>

**Thanks to Cardfighter Ilia for 900001, Durbe the Barian (who only suggested that Alco show up, nothing else, just to be clear) for 900002, DanuTalisIsles for 900003, and De hearts 26 for 900004. I ended up really modifying a lot of the suggestions for this chapter in order to get the ideas to feed into each other, so these lovely people aren't entirely responsible for the things that happened. ^_^;**

**A note about suggestions for next chapter; we're nearing the end of the fic, so I'm going to start building something resembling a narrative out of these last few remaining points. You're still more than welcome to give me suggestions, but if they don't fit with the "ending" theme, I probably won't use them.**


	11. Points 999996-1000000

**999996. Scavenger Hunt**

Okay, I don't know who the heck keeps inventing these "team-building exercises," but whoever it is is in serious need of a crowbar to the side of his/her head.

Why this sudden violent sentiment, you may ask? Well, allow me to explain.

You see, Hector and Iris, who apparently never do anything more exciting than gardening while holding hands, stumbled upon this scavenger hunt idea. Don't ask me how. And most certainly don't ask me why. Those two continue to do nothing but stupefy me. I mean, they haven't even frenched yet! And they've been dating for how many years?! True, at first I didn't want them together, but this stale platonic fluff is kind of getting on my nerves. That, and... Hector and I have been kind of drifting apart recently.

...Not that it bothers me or anything. I don't care. He's an adult, he can do what he wants.

Anyway, him and his GF thought it would be fun for all of us to take a little time off and try this scavenger hunt thing. And of course, Merag agreed wholeheartedly and started bugging Nasch about it. He put up a bit of a fight at first, but by this point you, me, and your crazy uncle all know how weak Nasch's resistance is to Merag's sisterly charms.

Like always, I knew from the beginning that this was a bad idea. And, like always, the others all went ahead with it without listening to me.

Of course, you know that Step Three in this vicious cycle always involves me getting roped into the stupid activity by Merag. My life has become horribly predictable.

The scavenger hunt worked thusly: we would all be split up into randomly-selected groups of two, and we'd have to work with our partner to get as many of the items on the list as we could. Because there's an odd number of us, it was decided that Iris would run the thing while Hector partnered up with whoever was left. I was hoping that would be me, because then I could just sit back and make him get everything for me. But as we all know by now, nothing ever works out the way I want it to.

Nasch ended up partnered with Girag, Mizael with Alito (good luck with that), Durbe got Hector, and I... was stuck with Merag. And she wasn't going to let me get away with refusing to participate or doing anything half-assed, so I didn't even try.

Actually, some of the things we were supposed to get really gave me the opportunity to utilize my creative skillz. Because, let's be honest, how the hell is anyone going to find a naturally-occurring four-leaf clover in the middle of a metropolis? That one I checked off the list by stealing a bandana featuring a graphic representation of said clover off a burly pub-goer's head.

Luckily for me, Merag's competitive nature, when in full "I-need-to-outdo-Nasch-cuz-he's-my-brother" mode, tends to outweigh her sense of morals, so she had no problem putting the guy on ice in the name of our scavenger hunt. In fact, she encouraged me to use my creativity to our advantage - I'd come up with an alternative for items that would be too hard to get (ex. instead of a "purple bottle cap," it was easier to just take a hat from another pub-goer and put it on top of a Heineken), and she'd use her surprising athletic prowess to carry it out (ex. protect me when the pub-goer doth protest too much). We made a pretty formidable team, not gonna lie. I was actually starting to enjoy it.

By the time the hunt came to an end and we all gathered back at the palace with our items, the two of us were a well-oiled random-item-collecting machine. It was almost a shame that we'd have to disband after only five hours.

Hector and Iris were acting kinda weird when we got back, though. They kept whispering conspiratorially and shooting us not-so-discreet glances. I have no idea what was up with that, but whatever.

When all was said and done, Nasch and Girag got about one third of the stuff on the list (because Nasch did all the work), Durbe and Hector got halfway through (because Durbe found an old book and Hector got distracted by an English garden), and Mizael and Alito didn't find anything (because Mizael is too pretty to participate). Since Merag and I got everything on the list, it was clear that we were the winners.

But guess what happened? Nasch got mad that most of our items were pun-related and started saying we should be disqualified. Can you believe it?! He was just butt-hurt that he didn't win, so he tried to get our hard work thrown down the drain! Obviously, Merag and I both protested this, but I had the feeling that it was going to be to no avail.

Surprisingly, however, Iris actually took our side and said that our puns counted. I'm not sure why, since she usually doesn't like me very much... in any case, it certainly couldn't have had anything to do with that conspiratorial wink she gave Hector afterwards.

So even though I actually emerged victorious from this one, Nasch is still getting a point. Try to disqualify my hard-earned "bottle cap," will you?! Tch. The nerve of this guy!

I'm really looking forward to killing him. It'll be soon... so soon... mweh heh heh heh heh...

* * *

><p><strong>999997. Matchmaking<strong>

Okay, so... I will admit, every once in a while, something just goes over my head. Like how I failed to pick up on Hector's initial crush on Iris until it was too late. Or how I failed to realize that I was on the women's side of the hot springs until it was too late. Or any of the other instances where this has occurred. Frankly, there are too many for my liking.

Well... it happened again. But this time, it was bad. Really, really bad. The kind of bad that's left me reeling, my entire worldview a shambles.

It started out like any normal day: I fed Bingo a couple of death-row inmates, made myself a vanilla latte with a skull design in the foam, went to my office, and actively got no work done. I was just about to go to get dinner, when suddenly, Hector popped in.

He told me that he and Iris had gone to this really swanky restaurant the other night, but there had been something wrong with the food. The manager, he said, had been fearfully contrite, probably because he confused Hector for yours truly, and promised them a free meal for today at six. Hector, however, didn't really like that place's vibe, so he said I could go instead if I wanted to.

I should have suspected something was up. I should have wondered about the oddly specific time he gave me. I should have questioned why a man with an exact copy of my formidable stomach would pass up free eats. I should have seen the slight twitch of his fingers, the way his eyes smiled. But I didn't. And I rushed to that restaurant, thinking that I had totally hit the jackpot.

Little did I know what fiendish devilry awaited me there.

First off, the restaurant's name was "Le Romantique," which not only signaled French food, but also meant that the inside would be filled with candles and smooth jazz. I, however, just chalked it up to Hector and Iris' tendency to go on mushy-gushy dates and went inside.

When I did, a waiter showed me to my table, left two menus, and came back with a bottle of _Le Fance-Pantsiest Champagne Available,_ an 1826 vintage. By that point, I was starting to figure out that something was not right here, but unfortunately for me, it was too late. Far, far too late.

Because soon after that, Merag entered the restaurant... and was led to the seat across from me.

I kinda wish I knew what our faces looked like at that point. It must have been hilarious. But I wasn't thinking that at the time. I wasn't thinking much of anything, in fact. I was just sitting there in shock, completely blindsided.

Of course, we figured out immediately that we'd been set up. Turns out Iris had gone to Merag with the same B.S. story Hector had fed me. I was starting to feel a little awkward, so I got up to go, but then something _really_ freaky happened.

Merag asked me to stay. Said she'd feel weird eating alone. Might as well take advantage of the free food, she said. It wasn't like we were actually on a date or anything, she said.

The freakiest part... was that I actually stayed.

We ate. We chatted. We shared an air-saxophone solo when the restaurant's speakers started playing "Perdido." I told her I invented jazz. She said she knew that, it happened in Chapter Six. I said "oh."

Eventually, we got to reminiscing. Turns out she remembers every stupid thing we've done just as well as I do. Like that time when we interrogated Alco together... when she helped me find Hector after he ran away… when we taught each other how to play the saxophone... when my attempts to Sharpie her face backfired… when I helped her not suck at cooking… that party she threw after we all first met… all those times she tried to stop Nasch and me from clawing each other's eyes out. She laughed when we got to that part. Said she couldn't imagine a day without that happening.

I'm pretty sure her laugh's infectious… or there really was something in the food. Because I have never felt that pleasant in my entire life.

...Must have been salmonella.

But whatever the reason, I… guess I… kinda… did really enjoy myself. And as I talked to her, I also felt a little… sad. I don't know, it was weird. I'm not a touchy-feely guy, but my emotions were all over the friggin' place, and I could practically see the "doki-dokis" around my head every time she turned those damn eyes in my direction. It's sickening, dammit! I'm VECTOR! I'm PURE FREAKING EVIL! I don't give a sh*t about anyone, least of all Merag!

But…

...If we're being perfectly honest here…

...I guess… I don't know…

...maybeilikeheralittle.

…

At any rate, she walked out of there with my secret Penultimate Grilled Cheese Rapture-Sandwich recipe, which I haven't even entrusted to these pages.

What the f*** is wrong with me..?

* * *

><p><strong>999998. Scruples<strong>

As you can see (if you know how to count), we're only two points away from Nasch's demise. It's been fun, but soon you and I are going to part ways. And trust me, I am so freaking excited.

SO FREAKING EXCITED! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! HOW FREAKING EXCITED I AM!

REALLY! I'M JUST BOUNCING UP AND DOWN WITH JOY!

Really! I really am! ...This isn't forced at all!

I'm… so damn excited…

I just… don't know why, but I'm a little less excited than I thought I would be.

It's probably because it's impossible to actually be that excited. I'd probably explode or something. This hesitation is probably my body's safety mechanism to keep me from exploding.

Yeah.

Anyway, I need a plan. Some totally awesome way to say goodbye to good old Tentacle-Head. Finally, I'll be able to do whatever the heck I want without him bothering me all the time! No more stupid meetings! No more scolding! No more getting blamed for stuff!

No more idiotic team activities! No more dumb get-togethers! I won't have to spend my precious time with these idiots anymore. That'll really be something.

And Hector's spending more time with Iris now, so I won't have him bothering me, either.

And Merag will probably hate me. So… there's that.

I'll finally be on my own. That's what I've always wanted.

To be alone.

...right?

…

...Aaggh, my head is screwing with me. I'm hesitating. Sh*t, I'm waffling!

How long have I wanted this?! Since day one! I've gone too far to let this go now!

Sh*t!

...I can't let this get to me. I can't hesitate. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

I need to stop thinking that maybe the way things are isn't so bad.

* * *

><p><strong>999999. Scheming<strong>

Dangerous thoughts are like a cancer. The harder you try not to think them, the more you think them, and then they spread. And if they spread far enough, you develop this horrible disease called "scruples."

_Come on, Vector. This self-doubt isn't like you. It's pathetic._

_You've gotten weak, soft. Complacent. The mad chaos in you has lain dormant for too long. You need to feel it burning through your veins again._

I can't afford to debate this any longer. I need to take action. Quick, decisive action. Cross the point of no return and burn the bridge to the ground in one fell swoop. Leave no room for regret, no time for remorse.

But to do that, I need to get rid of these thoughts. Excise them like a tumor, without anesthetic or mercy.

I need to plunge my claws into my own heart and, screaming, rip it out of my chest.

I need to get rid of my scruples.

I need to remove the source.

* * *

><p><strong>1000000. THE END.<strong>

Today's the day. I finally did it.

I finally killed Nasch.

But first, I kidnapped Merag. Dragged her to the edge of the cliff, because I knew that was the surest way to get Nasch to chase after me.

All those years brawling with him… to be brutally honest, I'm not sure if I could win an all-out, life-or-death fight. I couldn't afford a struggle.

So I pushed Merag off the cliff, because I knew that was the surest way to get Nasch to follow her.

And it worked. He did. Threw himself right off the edge without a moment's thought, without hesitation. It was such a stupid way to die. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

I stood there for a moment, watching until the two of them disappeared from view, swallowed up by the darkness. Then I turned and started to walk away.

After five steps, I just… stopped. I fell to my knees.

Then I started making this noise. It shook my shoulders and had me wheezing for breath. I was laughing. My cheeks felt hot and my eyes stung.

* * *

><p><strong>... 1000001. Damn it.<strong>

Why don't I feel any better? This isn't how this was supposed to go.

Killing Nasch was supposed to be a relief. ...No, it is. I don't have to deal with him bossing me around anymore. I can do whatever the hell I want. It's great. Really, it is.

So why...?

Why can't I... seem to...

...

...Damn it.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: What the heck was that?! Serious stuff?! How did that end up in there?!<strong>

**Thanks to De hearts 26 for the scavenger hunt suggestion, and a huge thank you to everyone who suggested Points over the course of this fic! I'm so grateful to all of you for sticking around!**

**Anyway, we've officially finished the Points list, but THE STORY'S NOT OVER YET!**

**So please don't leave or anything. There's more coming. Trust me.**


	12. Epilogue

_...Welp, I guess that's it for the Million Points List. Funny, I didn't remember ending it on such a weak note. I mean, come on. There's no way I'd ever waste time whining like that. You all know that ain't me. Pfft, scruples indeed. I'll have you know I have never had scruples in my life. You got that? NEVER. _

_And even if I did, I got over them pretty darn quickly. I mean, sure, it was a little weird at first; I had to tell everyone else that Nasch and Merag kicked the bucket. If I didn't, they'd be wondering why I was a sniveling mess and that would just make me look suspicious. _

_Anyway, the others took it real hard (as I was kinda hoping they would). I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy seeing their stupid faces scrunch up and twist with grief when they finally realized that Nasch and Merag weren't coming back. The tears I gave them came a little easier than maybe they should have, but they were believable, at least. _

_Durbe flat-out short-circuited when we told him; he refused to believe that they were really dead. Still says he's gonna spend his whole life searching for them if that's what it takes. He's a damn fool. Dead is dead - no use deluding yourself into thinking anybody gets a second try. _

_Anyway, if the others barely tolerated me before, they can't even stand to be in the same room with me now. No joke, one time I walked into the dining room to get some lunch, and they all got up from the table at the same time and just walked out, not even bothering to take their food with them. I gotta admit, it was pretty hilarious. At least I got to make my grilled-cheese in peace._

_Hector's been acting a little stiff with me, too. The others might have suspicions, but I think he _knows_ what I did. After all, he IS my clone. I'm not really sure if he's mad at me or not, though. Seems like he's avoiding me because he's not sure, either. _

_So I'm pretty much on my own now, which is just the way I like it. I have not had to do a single piece of paperwork in almost ten years. It's f***ing awesome. _

_Though, of course, now that I'm stuck on Earth pretending to be Yuma Tsukumo's friend, I'm a little restricted in what I can and cannot do. For instance, I recently discovered that it is not socially acceptable in Japanese culture to hide cherry bombs in the trash and laugh your head off when the litter-bot that picked it up explodes. Humans are no fun. _

_On that note, I might just start up a new Points list, this time for someone who's more retarded than antagonistic. I know that I probably won't hit one million before it comes time to carry out Phase Death of my master plan, but I get the feeling that Rei Shingetsu (that's my alias, by the way - clever, huh?) is going to suffer through a lot of stupid until then._

_That, and there's this other kid that I just can't stop hating. I don't know why; he hasn't really done anything to me yet. I only saw him for the first time yesterday. But every time I think about him, I'm just filled with this inexplicable loathing._

_Maybe it's his tentacle-shaped hair. Maybe it's the "I don't give a damn" look in his eyes. Maybe it's his fabulous rhinestone-studded shoes. Who knows. _

_What I do know is that his name is Shark. _

_And I hate him. With all of my hate. _

* * *

><p><em>Anyway, that's just how it goes. You think you've finally got what you want in life, but it turns out that's not the way the world works, and next thing you know it's moved on without you and you need to throw yourself into some crazy scenario just to catch up. Let's face it, having everything you want is kinda boring. True, I'm probably going to get really pissed off with this planet really soon, but I've come to realize that I wouldn't have it any other way. I need conflict like a grilled-cheese sandwich needs bacon, which is to say I can't exist without it. <em>

_So while it was fun to get all nostalgic and look back, truth be told, I've got a lot of annoyance to look forward to. _

_In the immortal words of John Mellencamp, life goes on. Or something like that. _

_...You know what, that was a pretty lame closer. Let's try that again. _

_Goodbye, suckers! JYAN JYAN JYAAAANN ~ !_

_- The End. -_

_(Oh, and don't let the door hit ya on the way out. It's covered in spikes.)_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: And thus ends the most random fanfiction I have ever written… yet it's grown on me quite a bit since we started. To everybody who's read this story andor given suggestions, thank you so much! This fandom is an absolute joy. **

**I'm getting all sentimental because I've never actually finished a fic that went past ten chapters before… (although I'm almost definitely going to write a sequel, so be on the lookout for that. Heh heh heh.)**

**Again, thanks for stopping by! So long and thanks for all the trading cards! XD**


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